She comes from a broken home. Dad and mom dont really have much. Education or money wise. They are separated and truthfully dont seem to care much. I quote glee: "im your mother but not your mom" diffrent situation but it fits lol. She lived in a bad part of town and she went to a bad school. She and this other girl were the only white kids there. I hate to say it but the kids there either turn to drugs or get pregnant by the time they are 19.
The thing with her is she got lucky. She got to go to a good school in the nice part of town. She meet people that helped her out and loved her and gave her a place to stay on the weekend so she didnt need to drive back and forth. They cared and made her family. She has so much potential in life but she still fails.
She makes bad/stupid decisions left and right. She always gets hurt and no matter what she always makes them. Whether its about a guy, her friends, her money, what she is doing, whatever. It's these kind of decisions that are going to kill her one day. The whole high school/being around your friends/controlled environment, is over. The real world is here and im scared she isnt going to be so lucky anymore.
Im scared she is going to end up like her sister or her family or something. With a baby but no father, some dead beat boyfriend, drugs, drunk, living in some shitty apartment.
There is a point where "you need to learn from your own mistakes" turns into "when are you going to start learning from your mistakes?"
I see that, and it hurts me. I see where she could potentially end up and every time she makes a stupid decision and she doesnt listen to me and totally has no idea that she did... i get hurt because i care.
Now I dont mean stupid decisions like doing drugs or whatever. I mean really stupid decisions. Stuff like abandoning your best friends planned celebratory night because some guy texted you and is showing you a little attention. Or spending your money on something stupid when you have a senior trip planned out where everyone has been specific on how we need the money to go. Or having a major leadership role like being an assistant director and not doing ANYTHING at all for 4 months. Oh and my favorite... pushing people buttons to the point where I can't handle being around her. It sounds simple but its the point that she has no responsibility or shown that she can handle it. It's like she isnt grown up sometimes.
So what do I do? Tell her? Is that to tough for tough love? Will it ruin our friendship? Even if it does will it save her? Should I just step back and see how it all plays out and just hope for the best?
Don't tell me im over reacting because im not. My friends have sat and talked about this before. Its apparent that she most likely will end up being "white trash" if she keeps acting so immature and making these stupid decisions. Keep in mind that if you think im over reacting maybe I just didnt do a good job of explaining her ways to you (which i fear may be the case).
4 comments:
This sounds like one of those situations where nothing you can do will help. It needn't stop you from trying though. Just be prepared for failure. If you don't try, you will always wonder if you could have helped when the worst happens. I guess I would vote for telling her. You and your friends talking amongst yourselves does nothing to help her. If you think she is worth saving, give it a shot.
Again,I am going to chime in validating what Brian said, because it is great advice and totally on point: -- "If you don't try, you will always wonder if you could have helped when the worst happens."
You cannot fix the world, only yourself. If you have the means (emotional or physical or financial) to help this young woman, do what you feel you can do, and then let her make her choices. You are not responsible for her mistakes if you have tried.
Think of it as a traffic light. The City of LV is not responsible for someone's death if they disobey a traffic light and get killed. The red light warned them to stop. If a person choices to disobey or to ignore good advice, the results are their own responsibility.
Just as I mentioned in the previous thread about friends, John, do what you feel is right to do - and whatever response she (this girl) makes is her choice to live with. Just temper your good advice with a caring attitude.
It sounds like she is suffering from the biggest failure of youth; not thinking long-term. The most important objective of youth is to gain financial independence some day. Hard for a girl to do that if she is knocked up or on drugs. Why is money more important than your social life or love? Because when you are in your mid-twenties, love and your social life goes out the window fast when you can't pay the bills. A lot of teens have her problem cos the part of the brain that deals with emotions and consequences is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. Yeah, irresponsible behavior is infuriating when it keeps being repeated. Maybe you can impress that on her. You are a great guy for caring. bfn - Wayne
Since you asked, what you ought to do is to learn how to detach. You are not her caretaker, and you are not doing yourself or her any favors by trying. It's called codependency.
That doesn't mean that you have to stop caring. You can care. You can be available. You can hate the decisions she makes. But detaching means to stop deciding for her how she should make decisions. It means letting her take the consequences that come with those decisions. It means not being resentful when she makes decisions differently than how you would. And it means taking care of your own stuff, especially when she pushes your buttons.
Best wishes.
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