My Mom Had "The Talk" With Me... & I'm Not Talking About The Sex One!

on Saturday, November 14, 2009
Yup. I pushed her to the limit. Until it hurt her so bad I realized what I was doing. Let me start from the beginning:

I came home friday night after hanging out with friends. My mom started yelling at me saying I sent her a rude text message. Which I might have done but it was meant as a joke. Anyway she said that our relationship isn't going to be fixed if I wont let it be. So I, stupidly, told her I didn't want one. That was the old me, the one that needed to push her away before she pushed me away. I felt really bad so I went to talk to her but instead bumped into my dad. My dad that told me that I need to respect the family and a bunch of stuff that just got me mad. So I explained to him how I felt which was "wrong" & "not the same" oh yeah and "didn't matter." He pushed me. He pushed me so far that I when he asked me: "do you even know what a father is?" I said something I didn't mean just so he would shut up already. I said: "no. i never had one." I have yet to apologize. I'm to scared to confront him but I will.

Anyway. After that little incident I went upstairs feeling like more of a douchebag so I went to talk to my mom. I explained to her that I didn't mean what I said and why I said it. I told her that I was pushing her away because I didn't want it to hurt when she pushed me away because I'm gay. Yes... I said it. I told her I was gay. Her response deserves a new paragraph.

"I will always love you. We don't have to agree or understand but we will always love you" Oh wait, it gets better. She goes on to tell me how I'm going to have a hard life. Starts pulling all these "facts" out of her ass about what I can and can't do. Tells me I need to be careful of AIDS now. That NOW (emphasis on now) everything is going to change. I stopped her and explained to her that I am the same way I was a week ago. I was always this way and nothing changed. Its not NOW, its always been this way. I told her I didn't choose it and that I didn't want to be this. So she asked how I knew and even though I tried to explain as hard as I can she just seemed disgusted. So she went on to tell me that I need to hide it because of people finding out. So I told her that everyone already does. That even my cousins know. She was worried that my aunt knew and I told her she didn't and that even if she did I wouldn't care what she thought. So she asked me how I wouldn't care. I told her I don't care what people thing and that I know I will one day run into people that will hate me because I'm gay and that I'm not going to let that scare me into hiding who I really am. So she went on to tell me that I can't tell my brother because he is "in that stage where he is confused" and she didn't want to put anything in his head. So I told her that i not gay for any reason. No one made me gay. Nothing made me gay. I was just gay. Then my brother came in the room and sat down and that's where she got up and left.

She told me she doesn't understand "it." She doesn't agree with "it." What she doesn't understand is that I'm "it." She told me I should go to talk to someone. About anything. She said she is going to also. I know I just need to give her time to understand but I just wish she didnt need time. I wish she was like my friends parents which where like "oh ok, can you pass the salt?"

This month has sucked so far...


Mr. HCI said...

When I came out to my folks, I gave them some information from PFLAG and a book for parents of gay kids. I read a lot of books for parents that were available at the time, and got Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences for my folks, as it was far-and-away the best.

It's tough for most parents. I've read it described as being to a parent as if their precious child has died, and there is now a stranger there who looks like their son or daughter but isn't. Don't give up hope on her.

Don't think of talking to your dad as "confront[ing]" him; you already did that. Now it's time to try to rebuild that bridge.

afk4life said...

Mr. HCI is right about PFLAG -- but you can't make her do that anymore than she can make you be whom she wants. Might want to just leave a copy of the movie 'Prayers for Bobby' lying around. If that doesn't get her thinking, idk what will. In the end there, what's done is done and there is no going back, something you have to realize.

As far as being selective about whom knows in the family - I've been down that road and it is imho prolly 2x as hard as just being yourself, not saying fly rainbow flags at family gatherings but treat it the same as if you have a girlfriend and they asked for example. I've had three grandparents I loved dearly die without knowing much if anything about my life because of agreeing to not tell certain ppl.

These are your decisions of course -- you're not a kid anymore even if ppl treat you like it, you've made a very big decision about your future that lots of ppl don't get to for many years beyond yours. Best of luck and you have support from ppl here which I hope you see.

Anonymous said...

good news is you're already talking to someone - it's all of us - and we're listening and giving you the real skinny on how to go out and live a positive productive life without listening to that nonsense she's spouting ... just love them back - it's all you can do at this point ... either they will come around or they won't - in the meantime you have to live your life

can you pass the salt?

Anonymous said...

Pete and I love each other and live together in a little house with our dog. All of our families know we're gay and they all came to our House Warming/Partnership Ceremony celebration - yay even my Aunt who's now the oldest living.

Pete's work colleagues know and many of them came (I've been to their Christmas lunches lol)and all the neighbours here know too.

I'm reminding you of this to show that, although you probs feel very alone with things now, hang on tightly to the guys here - some of us are still in the closet at three times your age but many of us are happy, open, confident people who are simply known by everyone as being gay - or in Pete and my case, as a gay couple.

It's no big deal and you know that. Please try to be a bit more gentle with your folks but retain the right to tell who you want, when you want - including your mum's sister, your aunt.

That is one of the ways in which your parents will learn to respect your decision & also discover that the roof doesn't fall in!

They need to meet other adults and parents who accept you and other gay guys. They need to be reprogrammed - but with love and tlc, OK?

And could I have the pepper, please too? And do you have any English mustard?

Helga Vonlunch-Box said...

I'm with everybody else here...Your mom
needs to meet with other parents of GLBT
children...See if there is a local PLAG
near you and ask her and your dad to go with
you...Maybe they can help your mom see
that you are the same child she gave birth
to and took care of...You're just older
and out...Life is to hard without the
support of family...I hope that things
will work out for the best...

Don't be scared to make the first move
to appologize...



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