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My Coming Out.

on Sunday, November 29, 2009
I have been "out" of the closet for a while now. What really is "coming out"? Is it when you accept being gay? Is it when you answer yes to the question "are you gay?" Is it when you start telling only certain people that you trust or is it when you tell you parents?

I am 17. I am a senior in high school. I started hinting I was gay my freshman year. I never really told anyone. I think someone asked if I was gay and I said yes but that was only because they were gay and I would never see them again after that day. Sophomore year I started making new best friends. When I did I wanted to start off right. So this time I started telling one or two people. By the end of that year I had told around 7 or 8 people. All of them were girls. Little did I know that one of them decided she was going to tell the whole world.

Hannah. That was her name. That piece of shit, backstabbing, whore. She told so many people, that it came back to me. I started getting asked questions. "Are you gay?" "Why do you like?" stupid insults were common also. I had to lie. I hated it! I had no idea she told anyone. I thought that I was just obvious, which, I wasn't! Its now Junior year. I found out something that that would change how I look at people forever. I can't even remember how I found out but I did. Someone had been telling people I was gay. I think an anonymous message told me not to trust everyone but what does that matter now? Anyways I started to freak out. I could have been anyone. All of the 8 best friends I had told could have gone and said something. So I did what I had to do. I texted one of my guy friends, I think it went something like this:

ME: "Jake (different jake not the one I liked), who told you. I need to know. Someone I thought I could trust is going behind my back and I have no idea who it is and I am freaking out!"
Jake: "Who told me what?"

ME: "That I am gay! Who told you??"

Jake: "Oh, well Hannah told me and then I asked Giovanna if she knew and she said yes only after I pressured her and told her I already knew. Listen man, I have known since Sophomore year and I'm cool with it. It doesnt change anything."

(Side note: Jake was really homophobic at this time. He was always making gay jokes and was a total tool. He had a huge ego and I was not the best of friends with him. So when he said it didnt change anything it was a big deal!)

So it was Hannah. Hannah was one of the first people I had told. The one I was the closest with. The one I hung out with EVERY DAY after school for hours. The one I trusted with every secret I had ever had. Then it started to make sense. It was like a puzzle. All the little things she had done. All the stupid fights we got into. She was a huge fake bitch. Slowly but shurly I found out that she told everyone. One after another said: "Hannah told me."

Till this day, sober, drunk, or high she wont tell me the truth. She denies it and denies it. I didnt speak to her for the longest time. Then I just forgot about it. I never forgave her. She took a role she shouldn't have. It wasnt a little secret. It was who I was. It was ME. She sold ME out. I'm sure you understand it. I would forgiver her if she would have had the balls to admit what she did.

It is now the middle of Junior year. Deonna. She was jewish, like me. She was gay, like me. She smoked weed, like me. She got drunk, like me. She was my best friend for the rest of the year. She got me. We could talk and she would understand. This is how we meet: "Hey, are you really gay?" and for the first time ever I had answered that question truthfully "yes." She then says "oh. ok cool" got her back and left. All my friends were in shock. Did he really just say that? I had never officially said "I'm gay!" Sure a friends knew and friends of friends but I wasnt out.

I still didnt tell my parents. Everyone but my family knew. Until this year, Senior year, when it was "forced" out of me. This happened after I started blogging so you all know that story.

So I am out. I didnt plan it like some people. I didnt think about it as much of some people. I am gay though, just like some people.

Pictures Are Worth A Thousand Words... Videos Are Worth Millions!

on Saturday, November 28, 2009

Wow... crazy crazy night. I would tell you all of the stuff that happened but to tell you the truth. It's all kinda fuzzy. The night started with me trying to score the alcohol, which like always, I got. We then headed to my friends house and well... got fucked up. It was just 7 of us. We decided to keep it a small because last time we told 20 people and like 100 showed up. So yah, thats about it. I drank way to much and well you know how that ends: "I will never drink again!" yah... ok. I ended up staying the night there and then we all woke up and went to BK and ate. I do not know how the hell my stomach let me do that but hey, thanks stomach!

Then I went home and passed out, well not like last night, I fell asleep. I woke up and watched a movie. It was really cute. It was called "The Other End Of The Line" It was with the really hot guy from John Tucker Must Die. Oh and he was also the one that was hooking up with Eva Longoria on desperate housewives lol

Now I am just sitting at home. I kinda wish it was winter break already. I have another 3 weeks =[ I NEED A VACATION!! haha.

I Missed A Post =[

on Thursday, November 26, 2009

I started writing it and then never finished. So never mind lol

I want to say happy thanksgiving to all my american blog readers! Did you guys eat turkey??? If you dont celebrate thanksgiving how was your wend? haha

We had this HUGE dinner at our house. A bunch of family and friends came over and we had a blast. Super fun. Plus I meet up with this girl that I have known for a while but we were not that close. She is in college and in a sorority. Well we got to talking and she does: "there are tons of hot guys in 'INSERT FRAT HERE'" OMG! I was like what?!?! So she was like "yup! like your kind haha." then she said that the frat house is throwing her a birthday party next week (her b-day was today) and that she is going to invite me. Im super excited!!! haha. This day has just been awesome. =p

Tomorrow im going to a party so I'll hopefully post before I go. P.s. do you like the pictures in the post? I thought it would be a nice touch! haha

i just realized (by reading other blogs lol) that i never told you guys my coming out story! well check back tomorrow!

Monday's Are The Worst!

on Monday, November 23, 2009
Yup... You are lazy and tired and you dont feel like doing anything productive. Today is exactly that. I am super lazy. I dont feel like doing any of the tons of homework I have to due. Teachers go crazy every time there is a holiday coming up because it gives them time to grade things. Why can't they just be nice and forget about assignments and just grade them during the school week??

Anyways, I didnt really do much today. After school our rehearsal was canceled so I just hung out and watched the over rehearsal's. They were really cute and fun. Then I went to albertsons, the grocery store, with my friend and we got canned food for the homeless and drinks. Which my friend proceeded to spill IN MY CAR! I didnt get that mad because I need to get a car wash anyway so its just gives me another reason. Then I went to drop her off at the bus stop.

I have all these amazing video ideas running threw my head and I wanted to go buy accessories on black friday but im waiting on the guy to send me the info so i can start working on the site so I can get paid. So its not looking good for me. Plus I still need to finish this other site to get enough money to actually buy my camera. So it's going to be a while till I start any filming. Oh yah! I forgot to tell you guys!! I'm writing a screenplay that I will produce and direct! I'm super excited. I have the story line in my head and im writing it now. I'll give you guys updates as I go.

Funny joke of the day?? My friends were all talking about how boys are assholes and their bad boyfriends. One goes "boys suck!" so i go: "not enough of them do..." haha get it??? its a gay joke and it made them laugh! So yah... thats about it. Going to go get started on that hw. =[

Friday Night...

on Friday, November 20, 2009
Fuck is it me or do your friends just piss you off at times? All my friends are like at 99.9% stress level and they really need to find a better way to let it out cause im not going to sit threw it. Fuck.

I decided that this weekend is a me weekend. Im going to call my salon and get a facial. I really doubt that my person will have a spot for me but if she does it will be a gift from god... My cell phone is turned off and I will not twitter, facebook, or myspace at all. Dont worry guys, I'm still coming on here to blog! I would die without you guys ;) haha I really love reading your guy's comments!! They make my day! Plus... you all are fucking amazing!! Sorry. My language is a little out of hand today...

I ran into my old friend today. She is also one of my old dealers... Now isnt that just ironic isnt it? One day im like "i want so smoke so bad!" then next day BOOM(!) The supplier is there. Dont worry I didnt make a stupid mistake. Still sober! She invited me over to her new apartment. Which is kinda scary because if I end out hanging out with her I will most likely end up smoking. Just because im wanting it so bad. So im going to stay away from that for now...

New Moon??? Really?? Am I the only one that doesnt give 2 shits about new moon? All, well most, of my friends are like "NEW MOON! OMG!" Fuck... I dont give a crap.

Last but not least: This guy was totally checking me out! Haha Not that guys havent checked me out before. Its just that this kid was "straight" but was being totally obvious about it. Plus it was at school and there are not that many gay guys at my school so when you spot one its like finding a four leaf clover, you get excited lol. He was ok looking. Not ugly but he reminded me of one of my old best friends and that was a HUGE turnoff. So I didnt make a move on him. NEXT lol.


Vacations Much?!? (just a big rant)

on Thursday, November 19, 2009
Let me tell you about my daily routine. I wake up at around 7am and take i brush my teeth, shower, get dressed and all that fun stuff. The I go to school. My first class of the day starts at 7:56am. School goes by and ends at 1:16pm. Then I have rehearsal until 3:30-4ish. So I get home and pass out. I just fall asleep for a good couple hours. Just because my body cant handle it. I wake up and get onto blogger and read and post blogs. Then I go and do homework.

That is how my days have been for the past couple weeks and its driving me insane. I feel like im 80 years old and life is just boring and dull. Im over it. I need something new. Weed is what kept me busy. It was a thrill. Finding and saving money. Calling up a few people and see if they are on deck. Planning a place and then buying it. Finding a place to smoke it. Hiding and getting blazed as fuck. Coming home and eating all of the left over dinner while watching tv, talking on the phone, and doing homework. That is what kept me entertained last year. Its how I got threw it. With all the stress that im going threw my mind is playing tricks on me. It wants what it cant have.

I needed to get that out. It was stuck in my head and if I didnt tell anyone I would go crazy. Now please comment and tell me: "you dont need to! stay clean! Be a good kid!" I wont be smoking weed. Im not going to fuck this up as well. It's been a little more then 6 months now. I just need a vacation I guess. Fuck. Im exhausted.

Sorry. This day has just had this whole negative vibe that I cant beat. My friends are starting to notice that something isnt ok. Which sucks because I dont want to talk about all of this mom coming out BS. One of my good friends siad I was being mean lately and I felt really bad because I didnt mean to be. I have just been going threw some shit... Yah you know what I'm talking about.


Im going to go do homework now. Fun...

Q&A & New Friends!!

on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Well I added a few people to the Friends & More list but I thought these two guys deserved a shout out. Both of them are pretty new at this blog thing and they deserve a page view of two lol

First is Tony: he is 15 and gay but not out. He is a cool kid so go check out his blog.http://theydontknow-tp.blogspot.com/

Second is Mikey: he is 17 (like me!) except he is a jock (not like me!) and is not out either. He just started blogging a couple days ago so make him feel welcome!http://hockeykidmn.blogspot.com/

Well i got some random questions for the Q&A and I also got someone send me like 25 of them. So I'm going to answer a bunch and I'm also going to add a few from this survey I found threw myspace. Here we go:

Today, did you see "that" someone that makes you smile instantly?
That person... doesnt exist.

Has someone ever told you they will love you forever?
my mom lol but yah. a girl. she didnt know i was gay. I wouldnt date here and she said she would love me forever... psycho right?

Do you brush your hair everyday?
yup. right after I get out of the shower and I dry my hair.

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them, you say?
Sorry hun... it was just a physical thing.

What are your plans for your next birthday?
Party. As. Hard. As. I. Can. =p

Does anyone disgust you?
Yah. Homophobic assholes.

Do you say sorry first?
umm... depends on what. mostly not.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
Yah... cunt outed me. were not best friends no more...

Has anyone made you feel like crap lately for something they did?
nope.

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
Yah sure. Im ok.

When was the last time you took a nap?
Yesterday. A very good one. lol

Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips?
No... again. It was just a physical, drunk, thing.

What are you excited for?
18th, getting my camera, winter break, and graduating.

Do you have any drugs in your room?
Nope. I'm clean =p

Do you remember the first time you kissed, the last person you kissed?
it was a one time thing. yah i remember it but barley. can we not get into this?? you making me hate myself haha. (just kidding about the hate thing)

Do you think about anyone before you go to bed?
Umm... I think about who that somebody might be.

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
a couple hours ago.

Do you like road trips?
Love them. =p Not with family though.

How many people do you trust 100 percent?
Sadly none. After the outing and a few other things that happened. I cant handle trust anymore.

Why did you last cry?
Mother... you read the blog post. (if not read my blog haha!!)

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?
Umm... waist is such a bad word.

Are you anything like your siblings?
Nope. Im gay. haha

What did you last drink?
diet coke. im addicted to it! (see we are learning things about each other haha)

How many windows are in your room?
One big one. =p

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/​​​​​boyfriend?​​​​​
Nope. One day I will =p He will be perfect and my life partner!

Do you lick your lips?
Sure but chap stick is always my first option lol

Do you like/love anyone?
I love my best friends lol

How much money have you spent today?
None!! =p

Did you date someone who treated you badly?
Well. No. I dated a girl once. So I treated her badly haha.

If your girlfriend/ boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do?
Well... I would be like "I HAD A BOYFRIEND?!?!"

If your best friend needed somewhere to stay could they live with you?
DUH!

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
friends i guess lol

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?
yah. haha

What do you usually wear in bed?
Well mostly basketball shorts and a white T

What do you usually wear to school?
Mostly stuff from H&M. Jeans lol

What is your natural hair color?
Black and its still my hair color!

What is your natural eye colour?
Brown :/ its boring!

Fave tv show?
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!!

Least fave band?
Jonas Brothers! agh!

Fave three music artists?
Nevershoutnever, Owl City, All Time Low

Fave three book authors?
Mitch Album, Chelsea Handler, dont have a 3rd lol

If you could swallow a pill and turn into some other (living) human being, who would it be and why?
Zac Efron!! OMG ARE YOU KIDDING! Other then being able to be the hottest man on earth but I would be able to be rich and famous... not that it matters or anything. lol

Describe your ideal boyfriend/husband? (BE REALISTIC!)
Realistic?? Well... Cute, funny, and someone that cares for me the same way i would care for them. =p


Well I hope you enjoyed that lol If not I'll make up for it tomorrow!! love you all!!

I Was Going To Do That Q&A Today But...

on Monday, November 16, 2009
I decided to wait till tomorrow for that...

So I was searching and reading a bunch of blogs yesterday and I came accros one that has stories on it about gay teens. I totally forgot to follow it and I don't remember the link or i would post it. Anyways, I was reading one of them and it made me sad. Not like I want to cry because someone died sad. The story was about a 14 (maybe 15?) year old boy and how his best friend tells him that he is gay and in love with him. The kid is like "i'm straight" and then the kid was like "we cant be friends anymore because spending time with you is to hard because i love you" and then the kid like realizes he is gay and they live happily ever after. Well until chapter 2 which i haven't read lol

Now I know my life isn't a book or anything but still. It made me want to feel that love that they had. The feeling I didn't get to have. So yah obviously thats what got me sad. I know, I know! "Lots of people dont have relationships at my age!" Well I still want one... Is it that bad that I want one? I see a bunch of these gay kids happy in relationships and I cant find a normal guy.

I was looking up a few gay groups here where I live and I couldnt find any. The closest thing was a equality group but I already went to their meeting once and they are all a bunch of older people. None of them are my age :/ Also there are 4 gay clubs here. I'm sure you all have heard of them Krave being the "nicest" most "selective" of the 4. Oh yah... I have to be 21 to get in. So there goes that. I want to move to san fran where there are a bunch of gay people that I can meet but I dont see that happening in the near future...

So yes. This is my petty post on november lol I deserve at least one after all this shit that I have been going threw. So spare me this one please!!

It Doesn't Feel Like A Sunday... But It Is =[

on Sunday, November 15, 2009
My mom has been pretty cool. She only did one little thing that pissed me off and considering we spent the entire day together that is a miracle. My mom, brother, and me all went shopping. Except it was shopping for my little brother (who is a pain in the ass!). So the whole time we went from store to store and spent like 4 hours and he didnt find anything he liked. All he ended up getting was shoes (which where the 6th one's he tried on) and a pair of jeans. My mom is like bi-polar. One min she is nice to me and the next she is evil! I dont even know anymore. For know she is nice but we will see how long that lasts.

Last night a bunch of friends came over and we just sat in the garage, smoked hookah, and chilled. It was fun but I started to realize that this whole mother coming out thing is effecting my social life. Like I'm always in a bad mood and my argument is always: "you just dont understand." This whole month has just been real tough on me. =[

I will do that Q&A post soon. I just have been busy if you haven't noticed lol

My Mom Had "The Talk" With Me... & I'm Not Talking About The Sex One!

on Saturday, November 14, 2009
Yup. I pushed her to the limit. Until it hurt her so bad I realized what I was doing. Let me start from the beginning:

I came home friday night after hanging out with friends. My mom started yelling at me saying I sent her a rude text message. Which I might have done but it was meant as a joke. Anyway she said that our relationship isn't going to be fixed if I wont let it be. So I, stupidly, told her I didn't want one. That was the old me, the one that needed to push her away before she pushed me away. I felt really bad so I went to talk to her but instead bumped into my dad. My dad that told me that I need to respect the family and a bunch of stuff that just got me mad. So I explained to him how I felt which was "wrong" & "not the same" oh yeah and "didn't matter." He pushed me. He pushed me so far that I when he asked me: "do you even know what a father is?" I said something I didn't mean just so he would shut up already. I said: "no. i never had one." I have yet to apologize. I'm to scared to confront him but I will.

Anyway. After that little incident I went upstairs feeling like more of a douchebag so I went to talk to my mom. I explained to her that I didn't mean what I said and why I said it. I told her that I was pushing her away because I didn't want it to hurt when she pushed me away because I'm gay. Yes... I said it. I told her I was gay. Her response deserves a new paragraph.

"I will always love you. We don't have to agree or understand but we will always love you" Oh wait, it gets better. She goes on to tell me how I'm going to have a hard life. Starts pulling all these "facts" out of her ass about what I can and can't do. Tells me I need to be careful of AIDS now. That NOW (emphasis on now) everything is going to change. I stopped her and explained to her that I am the same way I was a week ago. I was always this way and nothing changed. Its not NOW, its always been this way. I told her I didn't choose it and that I didn't want to be this. So she asked how I knew and even though I tried to explain as hard as I can she just seemed disgusted. So she went on to tell me that I need to hide it because of people finding out. So I told her that everyone already does. That even my cousins know. She was worried that my aunt knew and I told her she didn't and that even if she did I wouldn't care what she thought. So she asked me how I wouldn't care. I told her I don't care what people thing and that I know I will one day run into people that will hate me because I'm gay and that I'm not going to let that scare me into hiding who I really am. So she went on to tell me that I can't tell my brother because he is "in that stage where he is confused" and she didn't want to put anything in his head. So I told her that i not gay for any reason. No one made me gay. Nothing made me gay. I was just gay. Then my brother came in the room and sat down and that's where she got up and left.

She told me she doesn't understand "it." She doesn't agree with "it." What she doesn't understand is that I'm "it." She told me I should go to talk to someone. About anything. She said she is going to also. I know I just need to give her time to understand but I just wish she didnt need time. I wish she was like my friends parents which where like "oh ok, can you pass the salt?"

This month has sucked so far...

Life & Secrets...

on Thursday, November 12, 2009
Yup. I know a few. Lets start with life though haha. My math test got moved to tomorrow. So did my science test but I dont care about that class because I dont need to it graduate or at all... I just needed to fill that period up and thought it was a fun class but it wasnt. So next semester (2 months or so) im dropping it. Yay for sleeping in an extra hour.

I went to best buy to check out the gift I want to buy myself. Its the Canon EOS 7d. Its a beauty!! Omg how good if felt in my hand. It's going to take me forever to learn how to use it like the pro's but first things first... coming up with the money. I wish there was a fast easy way to make some money. Ok I'm back to reality. lol

Now to the secrets! So I know this kid that is "bi" but he is just gay and scared to come out. Anyway, I knew since the min I meet him. You see he is my best freinds little brother. He is 15 turning 16 soon. I meet him a party my friend was having like a year ago and we were drinking and then I basically called him out as being gay. Now I know what you are thinking "john how could you?!?!?" he was making out with my best friend who was 17, a women, and drunk off her ass at the time and he was 14. I am also going to blame it on the alcohol that I had in my system. Anyways... he denied it and all but I always knew.

So my best friend, his sister, told me like a month ago that he kind of came out to his family. Which is expected because they have the coolest parent. They are so excepting of the gay thing. After all his sister is a lesbian and now they have a gay son so for them to not care at all is HUGE. Anyways, the point is that I'm basically the only other person that knows thats not family and now people are starting to ask questions. He is the PERFECT gay guy. My type of perfect that is. Not noticeable unless you really look. Doesnt dress like a women but has a good sense of style. Not "out there" gay but just enough. Does that make sense?? So today he said something and it sounded sooo gay. He had the gay tone and I had never heard it from him before. So my friend goes: "is he gay?" and I had to cover so I just said I dont know and turned around.

I would never out the kid. Every. My ex-best friend did that to me and I could never forgive her for it so i know the feeling. I just felt bad for the kid because he is going to have to deal with all of this know at SUCH a young age. He is only 15. I guess I came out when I was 15 also but it wasnt on such a big scale like telling my parents and stuff.

Thanks A Tone =p

on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
To all of these soldiers!! I really appreciate how brave you all are! Thank yu for going out and risking your lives for this amazing country we live in. Thank you for protecting us all. It's because of you we can feel safe and secure and that means the world(no pun intended) to me!!

Well... last night I went to the All Time Low concert. It was so much fun!! I had a blast. =p It was also my friends birthday, she turned 18. We went out for dinner afterwards and got burgers at this place that is AMAZING!

I finally found the camera I want to get. It's the Canon 7d! OMG is it gorges. It has all the bells and whistles I could ever want. I would go into detail's but it would most likely bore you to death lol The only problem is that it's expensive... VERY EXPENSIVE!! How expensive? It cost $1700 and I currently have $12 in my camera budget lol. I have a few job's lined up so ill be able to get in in 2-3 months. Maybe even next month if I get lucky =p (I do graphic and web design on the side)

My mom and I are on ok terms. It all blew over. I'm still getting used to the whole thing. Like I said... I stopped loving her so it's going to be hard to just jump right back in there and pretend like nothing ever happened.

Cute boy wise?? Well there is one but he is way to young and still "not sure" and is also my best friend's little brother (he is 15 turning 16 soon). It's a long and complicated story that I will write about tomorrow. =p I do have school tomorrow so I need to go to bed. I have a math test tomorrow that could either drop me to a B or bump me up to a safer A. I have like a 90% lol

Quick Post! About To Go Out!!

on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I'm over Jake guys. I have BEEN over him for a week or so. He is NOT worth my time or energy. He is, after all, just a guy. Now I have a lot to tell you guys but not enough time. You see tomorrow is a national holiday and the school have us the day off so that I can go party... i mean celebrate it tonight as hard as I possibly can. I would tell you where im going but ill tell you tomorrow. Just being safe here... sry.

Some bitch key'd my car. I have a feeling I know who it is but if it is that person I still dont know who it is because they where anonymous. This person was harassing me last night on the "honesty box" so I have no idea who they are. It was fine and all until this morning I woke up and my car was keyed (aka taking a key and scratching my car!!). This person has NO life and HAS to take it out on me?? Why??

As for the dating thing, thank you. I never thought of it like that. Yes there are a lot of cute gay couples but there are MANY more gay guys that dont date. I just happen to be one of them.

Well I have to go now. I love you all =p Look for that Q&A Post soon!! Keep asking questions if you havent already!!

I Don't Know... (post about the whole mother issue aka my coming out)

on Monday, November 9, 2009
You sit there and you plan. You think about every way and every conversation. Just when you think you have thought of every way your parents would react to the sentence "im gay" this happens:

They sit there and tell you they still love you and always will. They say that they were wrong for hurting you and they apologize. They tell you they want to be your mother. They are in tears asking for forgiveness and all of a sudden you realize:

Your not happy. This is what you always wanted to hear. This is the perfect situation. It's just like one of the conversations you thought about. Yet, your not happy. So your thinking and thinking and still nothing. Why am I not happy. Then you go to say something:

YOU: "I dont know"
MOTHER: "what dont you know"
YOU: "i just... dont know"
...
YOU: "I dont know what to say."

She leaves the room and your dad, which has been in the room most of the time, hugs you and tell you that you are the most important thing ever. He is tearing up now and you have never seen him cry other then when his dad, your grandpa, died. Then you realized why you werent happy.

Right before all this happened you realize how much you really liked Jake (yah... remember him?). You realize this because he changed his status on facebook to: "in a relationship". Your not in that relationship. He just played you. So how much did you like Jake? Not much. It just made you feel like a fool. Why try is what is going threw your head. "It's not fair. Why can't I be happy for once?? Why is it that I'm the gay guy thats never been on a real date. Why?? Im not ugly and im a nice person. So why??"

At this moment your mom still hasnt come to talk to you. You want to just run back into the closet. Forget about all the things I have said and all the people that know. Just run back and pretend to be straight. It was just to late. That closet is already gone. They tore it down.

You go to blogger and right when you logged into the account you are hiding from everyone you know your mom walks in. She is ready for you to tell her. You already let her go.

Q&A POST Part 1: Ask Questions!!

alright here is how im going to do this. I realize that a lot of the people that follow the blog dont like to leave comments for whatever reason they have. So i thought the best way to get questions was threw google docs!

At the end of this post there will be a link. The page will open and it will have a question box where you can leave any question you want. You can not tell me your name and it's anonymous or you can add "by, NUMEHERE" =p See how that works?? If you want to just leave a comment on the post with a question that's fine also!

So what type of questions can you ask? Any really. If its something I think is to personal the worst thing is I wont answer it. So shoot! I'll tell you know, I wont answer questions asking me where i live, what high school i go to, what my real name is, and stuff like that.

Update On Life...

on Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sorry if I haven't been getting back to your e-mail's. I just went threw all of them and replied!! I have to much work to do and I put it all off for today.

I forgot to write about this yesterday because of all the drama or whatever but I went to volunteer at the art festival. I had to work the kids art's and craft's booth and it was a pain. Some kid's are such brat's. It was for a good cause so that's all good. =p Plus there was a really cute guy that was working at one of the table's but it wasnt mine so we didnt get to talk.

So i woke up and went downstairs today and saw my mother. She didn't say a word to me. So I went and talked to my dad. It was just weird.

I've been reading all of your comments and its getting me threw the day so thank you!! I really really appreciate it.

I'm thinking of doing a Q&A post. So if I do would you guy's ask me like a million question's because I'm afraid only like 2 people would ask question's and it would end up as a failed attempt.

This Is It.

on Saturday, November 7, 2009
I need to talk. So thanks for listening.

My mom blew up today. She couldn't take it. She started the conversation (more yelling then conversation) about my grade's and school and how I "ruined my life" or something like that.

What you need to know is that I have, for year's now, been building up this wall. Not on purpose but mentally have been butting up a barrier for my emotions. So when my mom hurt's of cries or anything it doesnt effect me. I realized that the reason I have been doing this was because, one day, my mom would stop loving me. One day she would find out I'm gay and would abandon me. So I had to stop loving her first so it wouldn't hurt me as much when she stopped loving me.

So I didnt take anything to heart. Yah sure I yelled a little here and there but mostly I was calm and collected and presented a punch where it needed to be. So then she blew up. She started saying "why can't I have a normal son" and "you waisted your life" stuff like that. She was crying and all. Then she said it: "One day you will know how it feel's. I will not love you anymore and not talk to you anymore and you will feel alone" Something like that. So I said "you already did that." So my mom goes: "I swear this is the last time im talking to you" then she leaves. She went upstairs for a bit then she left the house.

So this is the day. The day that my mom officially does not love me. How do I feel? I dont know. I'm not mad or sad and I'm not crying.

That's how built my wall is. My mom can tell me she doesnt love me and I dont even cry. I don't show any emotion at all. None.

The Day's Are Going By... Almost Friday!

on Thursday, November 5, 2009
Well you guy's asked so I'll let you know: The talent was singing a duet with my cousin. She played the guitar also. It was a really cute love song she had written. Which is kinda why I didn't want my parents there... Kinda awkward singing a love song when your parents just realized that you would be singing that to a guy. Still haven't talked to them...

I had rehearsal's today for the one act's (well I have them everyday). Remember this is my first time actually acting as I am usually the sound tech (remember that competition I won?? Yup it was the audio one at SUU's Tech Olympics. I didn't want to say it at the time because you would all know where I was and that's kinda scary lol). So yah it was really fun. The cast isn't to big and we all work together really well. It's a very funny show! I play an old grandpa that is very witty and lovable. Fun stuff!!

Tomorrow is the day I go see Jake... I'm not that excited to go over there. We are going to watch him in his play. He's a fairy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's funny cause he is gay and he is playing a fairy! Also, this just popped in my head, I'm SO sick of the ford faggot. It's such a degrading word. Especially when it's meant to hurt someone. People in my school use it all the time.

So I was writing a note to my friend yesterday and the teacher was being kinda sexist so my friend called him a douche bag. Then I wrote back that the class is a bunch of immature idiots. Well my brilliant friend forgot it on her desk in that same class. So my teacher found it and made this huge scene about it in front of the whole class. He didn't say who wrote it so no one knows it was us. The teacher says he recognizes his handwriting but idk...


You Guy's Are Amazing!! (I PLACED IN THE TALENT SHOW!)

on Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You guy's really did help me a lot with the advice and the caring comments. I just dont want to loose it. I dont want to break down and cry. So, for now, I'm going to keep it inside. I will have that conversation with her. Then, if it ends up the way I'm expecting, I'll let myself brake down.

You see I'm a REALLY smart kid. I have prepared myself mentally for all of this. I made sure to be 10 steps ahead of her. So when that conversation went down and I realized that my mom would never be able to look at me the same way, I didn't flip. I was mad, sad, shocked, pissed, and hurt but I didn't flip shit. I made sure that if one day she would stop loving me, it wouldn't hurt as much as it should. So it didn't.

On a brighter note... I got 3rd place in the talent show! My parent's weren't there but I dont really care. I didn't want then there anyway. I'm not as excited as I should be. I'm not excited because I can't be. No one in the right state of mind can be happy right now if they are going threw what I am. I played it off at school though. There was only one time when someone asked if something was wrong. Only one of my friends knows what happened and that's cause she is a lesbian and gets it.

So that's about it. I'm staying as strong as I can be. I will have that conversation with my mom soon. Probably tomorrow night. I'll let you know what happens. Good night guys...

Well Your Warning Was Heard...

on Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I had the worst day of my life today. I've kept it together so far so lets see how I do talking about it...

My mom finally realized that I cant get into the college she wants me to (i need like a 3.2 and a 1800 on the SAT and i have a 2.7 and haven't taken the SAT yet). I guess me telling her it wasn't enough so she HAD to set up an appointment with my counselor and then it finally hit her. That isnt the bad part. I already had that realization before about a month ago (i think i posted a blog about that). So she broke down. That's enough to deal with right? Wrong.

I had rehearsal today and I wasn't very focused because the meeting was literally 10 min before. So we finished early and I had about 15 to go eat at home before my haircut. So I go home and get the silent treatment from my mother. Ok, fine I get it. Then I grab my key's and head out and then this happens:

Mother: "Can I ask you a question?"
Me: "yah..."
(not in a very loving or caring tone)
Mother: "Are you Gay?"
Me: "would it change anything?"
Mother: "I aksed a question, I deserve to know"
Me: "Yah so did I, would it change anything?"
Mother: " like what?"
Me: "anything..."
Mother: long pause... "I dont know"
Me: "i dont know either then."
(turn around and head out again. I get to the door and...)
Mother: "oh it doesnt work that way"
Me: "what does it matter to you??"
Mother: "It will make it easier to make my decision."
Me: "What decision?"
Mother: mocking me "i already know but it doesn't matter right?"

On the internet it doesnt sound bad but I promise you that in her voice I felt it. I saw the face and I heard the meaning behind every word. It was evil. It was out of hate. It was pure vicious. Then I felt it... the feeling that is worse then any other. Worse then physical pain or hate. Abandonment.

So there. It's all there. It's how my mom feel's about me being gay. I'm waiting for the letter telling me what I need to boot camp or something like that. Yes, she would do that.

How's Everyone Been??

on Monday, November 2, 2009
So I think i'm going to start being more personal on this blog. Maybe post a few pic's and such! Maybe even video post's?? Would anyone be interested in that?

Well today I went movie hopping with my friends. We went and saw paranormal activity first. HOLY SHIT! That movie was so freaky. I'm not going to talk about it cause then I wont be able to sleep. Then we saw the invention of lying and it totally sucked. Then we saw law abiding citizen and that was really good.

Tomorrow I have school =[ School after a 4 day weekend ALWAYS sucks! Then after school I have talent show rehearsal's and a haircut appointment. So I have a long day!


Popped My Cherry...

on Sunday, November 1, 2009
NO! NOT LIKE THAT!! I went trick or treating for the first time every haha. It was so much fun. I felt like a little kid again. I dressed up as a hippie. I had this big wig and john lennon glasses. We all went out to my friends neighborhood and somehow we ended up in like a neighborhood 18 min. away but we found or way back and ended up going to their neighbor's house cause they were having a party and we ate there haha. YAY FOR FREE FOOD!

Then we went over to my friends house and we all just hung out. Wow... that sounds so lame. Last year it would have been something like this: "so we went to this party and i had no idea where we were but there was booze so whatever. I had like 10 beer's and then i was throwing up so we left to this other guy's house. I was feeling better but I didnt want to drink anymore so i just smoked weed with some guy in the backyard. He was nice but I dont remember his name or what he looked like. In fact I don't remember there being a guy but there was." haha. That is actually a true story. Kinda blurry on the detail's so I didnt put that many in. I'm a good kid now lol =p

How was your halloween???

I also went shopping yesterday! I got the cutest bag and this amazing coat/jacket. Oh and I got gloves! Fun stuff!!

Still looking for a potential BF. I'll update you as the hunt goes on. =p