My 13 hour Flight Back To The States.

on Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I'm currently on a airplane so I'm writing a blog threw the notes app on my iPhone. My family is sitting in first class while I'm sitting in the back in economy. Currently I'm in the seat 23B in the middle on the left in the back. Alone. Now I'm not complaining nor am I using this post to show disrespect. Rather it is just a post that is filled (mostly) with sarcasm. Enjoy. P.S. I have never flown first class. So don't take this as rich kid is unappreciative.

I'm flying with Continental Airlines. I go to sit down and a older man says we can switch seats so instead of sitting in the middle I can sit on the side by the hallway. We sit. A min latter a flight attendant tells him he's in the wrong seat. Meaning he needs to get out and I need to move. Yay. He is an older man. Probably in his 80's. It takes him a while to get out. I help him out and show him his seat across the hallway. All the while an attendant is yelling at me (with a smile) to move into a row so that people can pass by. Yah because that the motto right? Everyone matters... Except old people. I debated giving her shit for it but quickly remembered that she is the one who will be serving drinks to me later in the flight.

Luckily the whole fiasco ended with another senior and his grand kid (Israelis!) wanting to sit next to each other so I got to keep my hallway seat!

I go to sit down and my blanket is missing. Don't you love that? I kindly request another one and the attendant very kindly answers while walking away saying you get one per seat and that this is a full flight and... She was to far for me to comprehend what she said from their. I assumed that she was really in a rush and had a really important place to be at the moment. In retrospect a shot of something (vodka?) that would calm her down was what I was thinking she was running to. If that was the case then I respect that. If I owned a plane I would definitely place alcohol before customers. Both give u headaches but one requires way less interaction with humans.

She returns, in a WAY more relaxed state, and gave me a blanket. She told me it's the only extra on the plan that she knows about. She was really kind all of a sudden. I wanted whatever she just took. God knows I needed it to survive this 12 hour flight with the three little kids in the row behind me kicking my seat.

I got situated and decided to check the screen and see what movies/tv shows/ music was available. I was surprised at the amount of movies I actually wanted to watch and closed the screen.

The old man starts talking to me and we have a very nice conversation in Hebrew about my travels in Israel and ect. His grandkid is around the age of 13 and is a boy. He's not shy but not annoying. I got lucky. I usually can't stand kids on flights. Once I was on a flight with a kid that was 6. I tried to explain to him that I wanted nothing to do with him but to no avail he sat there the whole flight explaining to me how an airplane takes off and lands at an angle. He was lucky I was only 9 at the time because my mom had all control of me, and god knows I would have made sure that my fists would have gotten the message to him to shut up.

Unlike that kid the boy next to me is really unusual. He has talked to me and asked questions but not to the point where it was annoying. He even turned around and told the kids to calm the fuck down. Ok, maybe I added the fuck in there myself but it was really unexpended and even awesome. Didn't expect that from the kid.

It's now 12:10pm. To put that in perspective boarding took place at 10:30am and I personally woke up at 6:50am. We are still sitting on the airplane doing nothing. The plane has not moved. It's as if the pilot pulled a Lindsey Logan and didn't show up for her court date. Except instead of the millions of people with cameras there are millions of babies and little children crying: "mommmm moommm!!!"

The flight attendant decided to brace her way threw the crazy child filled hall to hand out water. Right when she passed by me a male flight attendant walked by and asked her a question. Now as much as I enjoy listening in on people conversations I was a tad busy. This particular flight attendant was cute. He had a tight ass and a cute face. He looked small next to the other female flight attendant but I'm guessing anyone would thanks to her manly shoulders and her overly large thighs. I moved my head to take a second look as I saw his cute ass fast walking towards first class. This will be reason number one why first class would have been worth the $500 upgrade fee.

12:30pm. Still not moving. The kid next to me asked why we were not flying yet. If I knew the problem I would have found the solution by now. I'm thinking about offering to fly the plane myself. I personally think I have tons of experience in flying plans. I don't have a license but if my frequent flyer miles mean anything more than "have a free mint while you wait in a shorter line" then I'm qualified.

The lights have just been dimmed. This gave the kids in the row behind me the idea to a) open and close the window making a stobe light effect. b) yell: "yayayay were taking off" and c) their parents yelling at them to "please calm down". This drives me crazy. When will parents understand that when you have kids that are acting out in ways that annoys the fuck out of me, please is not the right word to use in this situation.

The plane is moving. Yay. Someone is watching that new movie that Miley Cyrus played in where she makes out with a guy the whole time. Even without audio I can tell that the movie blows.

I just got yelled at to turn off my phone. It's in airplane mode assholes. Nothing can fucking happen. Goodbye for now.

I'm back. I am tired but since action news channel 2 year old is on high alert behind me I can't sleep. Example: "omg! I can see the clouds! Omg I have pasta. Omg I have nuts."

The kid next to me pulled out an IPhone and started playing a game. You would think a finger touch based game would require way less movement, but shit, the kid was shaking so much I swear it looked like he was orgasming. If that is the case I respect he kept his pants on and/or make me get up so he can "use the bathroom."

Actions news behind me is reporting on how the food tastes. For those of you who have never been on a long term flight (or any flight at all), airplane food sucks major balls. Not even the good kind that can be used. Like the kind you get at IKEA that you use as a centerpiece that your mom says makes your house look more "modern." For once I agree with the kids on their expression. I would yell about how disgusting the food was as well but I'm trying to maintain a cool personality just in case the cute flight attendant walks by again. I could seriously get a free meal out of the deal if you know what I'm saying. "hey ummm. I kinda have this thing where I like to know where there is the most privacy in an airplane. You know just to sit and think. You wanna maybe show me where we... I mean I can get some... Privacy that is."

Unfortunately he isn't passing out the food. I got stuck with the female man shoulder attendant. I had no idea that first class also got hotter attendants. They should really advertise that shit.

Man shoulders is about to offer me chicken or fish. I'm thinking about asking her for chinese food then calling them racist for not having any. I can already see her go from transgender face to I don't really give a shit face but I have to be nice and tell you why we don't offer Chinese food, face.

I picked chicken. I won't bore you with the review. Just know that it was horrible. I decided that the taste of salt would be better so I poured the entire packet on it. My mom came by and gave me a first look at her menu. Let's call this reason number 2 why the $500 upgrade fee would be worth it.

The Miley Cyrus movie is still on her screen. I swear in every scene she has the same expression. I don't understand why they casted her. I could have gone under surgery turned into a women and fit the role better then she does.

It's 2:03pm (Israel time still). I need to piss but the food tray is still in my lap. Also the bathrooms are all occupied. Fuckers. If u care (which I don't.) we are currently over Greece. They do this thing where they show u the map in 3 zooms. One close so u can see countries. One medium so you can see how far you've traveled, and a map of the entire earth so you can see how fucking long of a distance you still have to fly. The action news kids always have the same reactions: 1) "omg we are here!!!" followed by 2) "look how far we are going!! Thats so far!" and then last but not least 3) "is that what we still need to go?! That's so far!! I don't want to. I'm bored." fuckers. I'm going to pee.

7 an a half hours left of plane land. I'm over France. I've come to realize that the boy next to me is older. That probably is the reason he is so much more mature. His looks make him seem younger. He is probably 15 or so. I fell asleep and so did the kid and his grandfather. I woke up before
Him and noticed a little bump. Now I wasn't looking and nor was I that interested in the kid. He's still a kid lol I was curious though. I just wanted to know what it was. It looked larger then what I thought it was so I casually yawned and brushed a finger over it to see if I was air or you know. Now I'm not sure but if it is, at least one thing looks right for his age. It wasn't anything sexual. Im just bored and I got curious to know if it was what I thought it was. Well. He woke up a min latter. I don't blame him. The action news crew of kids behind us won't shut the fuck up or calm down a min and stop fucking moving. Fucking a. I'm officially making this reason number 3 of why the $500 update is worth it to upgrade to first class. I'm bored.

Fun fact: The Maine is the only band I can listen to during a flight and not be bored. It's funny because at home I rarely play it. They have a new album out and it's good. Go check them out. My favorite song is Right Girl. There is an acoustic version on iTunes as well. No, I'm not getting paid to say this lol. It sounds like an ad spot right? Lol ok. Now I'm done. Bye.

Someone in the row in front of me is watching the original Harry Potter. For some reason this reminds me freshman year. I had a friend that is still crazy obsessed with Harry potter. She is 18. You can guess the next sentence. Still a virgin.

Oh yah. I read a little bit. Heather McDonalds book. You'll never blue ball in this town again. Yes, thats the title. Other then the fact that the back cover is pink and makes me look like I'm reading a chick book. It's a great read. It reminds me of how I would act if I was in the closet.

Wow. Two different screens, two different movies. Both were make out/sex scenes. This is one of the problems with America. Alright. Bye again.

Well, it's been a while. It's 7:55pm Israel time. We have another four and a half hours left in the air. I just finished watching cop out. While the movie has some boring parts the fact that they actually say "cop out!" in the movie makes it a good movie. Plus the bad guy plays a character on weeds! Haha.

I look up to an average site. A 6 year old boy playing with a nintendo dS. Yah. Expect you know what's not normal. The religious man that is standing above him, astonished by the device, jumping up and down, listing to music threw a cassette player. If you must ask u think he was praying. Either way I want out of this fucking plane. I need to pee once more.

I've come to the conclusion that with 36% battery on my iPhone I have not even began to write enough about what is going on here. The line for the bathroom mixed with the turbulence is what's keeping me from taking a piss. I need to pee.

I have come to the conclusion that reason 4 that the $500 upgrade fee is worth it is that the first class bathrooms are completely available.

I cut the line to the bathroom. There was a religious man in the line. (yes the same one that was jumping up in down). If there is a God I'm going to hell. Let's just hope he doesn't come with me.

The kid behind me keeps kicking my faking seat. So fucking annoying. Life lessons: don't Adopt.

(not very) fun fact #2: my mom is deathly afraid of airplanes. Every time there is turbulence I listen for my mom to yell my dads name. Unfortunately on this flight I'm way to fat away to hear her yelling. My dad informed me earlier that this flight wasn't any different.

Wow. The kid next me has his hand under the blanket right "there" and was totally just either fake or not fake masturbating. As much as this weirds me out. Props for not making me get up for you to use the bathroom. Still. Ewe.

There is an outlet here but for fucks sake it's like trying to find a penis in the Octo-Moms vagina.

Fun fact #3: till this day I can't spell vagina right. I am truly a homosexual.

I stopped a flight attendant and asked her where the outlets are. She didn't help much so I crawled under the seat and after about 5 min I found the outlet. During the process three different people asked if I was ok. No I'm not. Why the fuck are the outlets so hard to fucking find. Don't answer that. I don't really care.

I'm at 38% battery.

The kid next to me is holding hands with his Grandfather. It would be cute if he wasn't just jacking off with those hands. 3 hours and 46 min left on this hell plane.

Update on the kid next to me! Army you so fucking excited? (I'm so sorry I have nothing to do on this flight). Out of all 200 movies he picked the thumbnail containing a hot girl in a bikini. Damn kid. How many times in one flight can you bust a nut. It's started to weird me out. It's a good movie though. Forgetting Sarah Marshal. If it's the unrated version they show the guys dick. Haha. Irony go for the boobs and you get dick. He's rubbing... Someone somewhere please save me from this nightmare.

So after 5 games of tris i look u and it's as if I'm going insane. What's tris? It's a rip off of tetris that got pulled from the app store back in the early days. If u downloaded it you can keep it. It was free and tetris is like $5. This situation could be considered hipster and/or cheap.

Guys we need to talk. I'm thinking of being a full time student in Israel. I don't know what that means right now. Well I do but not for sure. Admissions for the school are open until September. I have nothing to loose by applying. My grades are average and not that great. So we will see. I'm going to go fo it. In the worst case I will do a year in Vegas to raise my chances. Idk what that means. In any case I'll talk more about this on a different post. I just needed to mention it. A) because I'm bored and B) because it's on my mind.

So close! 3 hours till I land. They are passing out those cards they use for immigration. Blahhh. I'm landing in Newark at 5:15 ish.

My throat is dry. I NEED a diet coke. Asap.

Still no diet coke. Also I think my baby cousin just threw up. Either that or he spilled something. I'm pretty sure he threw up as my aunt is cleaning the floor now. My dad got up again I'm not sitting with them I'm in the back. They are in first class.

So close yet so far. Another 2 and a half hours.

I went up there he threw up. The flight attendant threw a bitch fit about me standing there. She was angry anyway that she needed to clean up the floor. Why the fuck can't people be nice about things. I swear everyone here has been a total asshole. Fuck continental.

My back hurts. A lot. I'm thinking about taking the information of the parents of the action news kids in the row behind me and making them paying the doctor fee's because they are constantly kicking my seat. Seriously. As I'm writing this they are jumping against my seat. A little over 2 hours left.

The action news kids were running around the hallway on the way back to jump into their seats they blew shit breath all over me. So disgusting.

Hallway lights are on. The girl that was watching the Miley Cyrus movie is now watching a thriller. That one movie where this crazy white chick
Is obsessed with this black guy that want nothing to do with her. I think it will J Lo.

I'm actually really excited to turn my phone on. Even though I basically have no one to really talk to because of the LA trip and the fact that I basically just didn't talk to anyone while I was I Israel. Lol NYC you are my next pet project. Lol

Woo. Hot meal and last drinks round. Maybe I can finally get that diet coke. The kids behind me are getting on my last nerve. Oh and yes I AM saying something. They still don't stop.

I hate this flight the most for the final reason why the $500 upgrade fee is worth it. Breakfast. The meal is eggs. Just the smell drives me insane. It's the most disgusting thing on earth. I'm not even mentioning the taste. Forget it. There's no way I'm opening the silver packaging. Yes. It's THAT bad.

770 miles left. That's an hour and 45 mins.

So I got the "food" I didn't eat much of it. We are so close. Kid next to is trying to sleep. We have 51 min left. A little late for that kid. The kid behind me is like kicking the seat on purpose by now. Just because I keep asking him to stop. Oops. The time just jumped up to an hour and 7 mins. What the fuck? On the zoomed out map it looks like we are there already. Ok. Bye.

Well we are descending slowly. Still have 229 miles left till the airport. There is crazy turbulence. My mom is probably going crazy. I have to turn off my electronic device now. Bye.

The kid next to me decided to move over to the window seat. At first I was like why the fuck are you moving now I have to get up and there is literally another 20 mins left. Then the flight was extended because our pilot decided that she was going to fly around in circles (yes. Literally, circles). Then the kid didn't feel well. The tramps needed to use the bathroom (during a decent) and then the kid threw up. Luckily he used a bag.

This has been my observation of my flight from Israel to Newark.


Anonymous said...

This was so entertaining! I'm glad you decided to use this way to fill your boring time on the flight. It does sound like the flight from hell. I've never been on a long flight. I have been thinking of maybe visiting Europe or Asia. You have about convinced me I don't want to go on such a long flight. I guess I will just stay home. I hope you have a nice time in NYC.

Austin said...

I fly coach when the business sends me places (they refuse to pay for anything higher), but when it's on my dime it's *always* first class. Even when it's 2-3x the price, it's worth it.

wayner said...

Wow the description of the flight is hilarious. It doesn't take long for out-of-control brats to drive you crazy but you have to remember that kids have little patience for boredom. If you try to embrace the horror and joke and have fun with them, it won't be long before someone calls you a perv or pedo. The bathroom sounds like the chamber of horrors. I remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry flukes it and gets 1st class while Elaine got stuck in econo; it is eerily similar to what you went through lol. But you can be proud that you made the supreme sacrifice and saved your parents $500. I dunno about a year in Israel; if a big war pops up they might drag you into the army! And I don't think that they discriminate on sexuality grounds lol. Why do we have stupid wars based on religious grounds; fuck, this is the year 2010; we know that we are an insignificant speck in the vastness of time and space. When the big 5 mile meteor hits us some day all this religion will be a moot point. bfn - Wayne :) (if you put a bunch of Israelis and Palestinians together dressed in regular clothes, I couldn't tell one from the other!)

John Doe said...

wayner, if i move there it would only be 3 years during school and then i would be free to leave the country without having to actually serve in the army. i just cant come back and live there after until im 27.

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