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My Coming Out.

on Sunday, November 29, 2009
I have been "out" of the closet for a while now. What really is "coming out"? Is it when you accept being gay? Is it when you answer yes to the question "are you gay?" Is it when you start telling only certain people that you trust or is it when you tell you parents?

I am 17. I am a senior in high school. I started hinting I was gay my freshman year. I never really told anyone. I think someone asked if I was gay and I said yes but that was only because they were gay and I would never see them again after that day. Sophomore year I started making new best friends. When I did I wanted to start off right. So this time I started telling one or two people. By the end of that year I had told around 7 or 8 people. All of them were girls. Little did I know that one of them decided she was going to tell the whole world.

Hannah. That was her name. That piece of shit, backstabbing, whore. She told so many people, that it came back to me. I started getting asked questions. "Are you gay?" "Why do you like?" stupid insults were common also. I had to lie. I hated it! I had no idea she told anyone. I thought that I was just obvious, which, I wasn't! Its now Junior year. I found out something that that would change how I look at people forever. I can't even remember how I found out but I did. Someone had been telling people I was gay. I think an anonymous message told me not to trust everyone but what does that matter now? Anyways I started to freak out. I could have been anyone. All of the 8 best friends I had told could have gone and said something. So I did what I had to do. I texted one of my guy friends, I think it went something like this:

ME: "Jake (different jake not the one I liked), who told you. I need to know. Someone I thought I could trust is going behind my back and I have no idea who it is and I am freaking out!"
Jake: "Who told me what?"

ME: "That I am gay! Who told you??"

Jake: "Oh, well Hannah told me and then I asked Giovanna if she knew and she said yes only after I pressured her and told her I already knew. Listen man, I have known since Sophomore year and I'm cool with it. It doesnt change anything."

(Side note: Jake was really homophobic at this time. He was always making gay jokes and was a total tool. He had a huge ego and I was not the best of friends with him. So when he said it didnt change anything it was a big deal!)

So it was Hannah. Hannah was one of the first people I had told. The one I was the closest with. The one I hung out with EVERY DAY after school for hours. The one I trusted with every secret I had ever had. Then it started to make sense. It was like a puzzle. All the little things she had done. All the stupid fights we got into. She was a huge fake bitch. Slowly but shurly I found out that she told everyone. One after another said: "Hannah told me."

Till this day, sober, drunk, or high she wont tell me the truth. She denies it and denies it. I didnt speak to her for the longest time. Then I just forgot about it. I never forgave her. She took a role she shouldn't have. It wasnt a little secret. It was who I was. It was ME. She sold ME out. I'm sure you understand it. I would forgiver her if she would have had the balls to admit what she did.

It is now the middle of Junior year. Deonna. She was jewish, like me. She was gay, like me. She smoked weed, like me. She got drunk, like me. She was my best friend for the rest of the year. She got me. We could talk and she would understand. This is how we meet: "Hey, are you really gay?" and for the first time ever I had answered that question truthfully "yes." She then says "oh. ok cool" got her back and left. All my friends were in shock. Did he really just say that? I had never officially said "I'm gay!" Sure a friends knew and friends of friends but I wasnt out.

I still didnt tell my parents. Everyone but my family knew. Until this year, Senior year, when it was "forced" out of me. This happened after I started blogging so you all know that story.

So I am out. I didnt plan it like some people. I didnt think about it as much of some people. I am gay though, just like some people.

7 comments:

billy said...

Great post.
Coming out is something you keep doing your whole life. There's always someone new at work or through friends who doesn't realise, then finds out. No big deal.

You've nailed the three big ones, yourself, your close friends and your family. No need to live a lie. Well done.

Planetx_123 said...

Yea I haven't tackled the family thing yet, and a big part of me doesn't want to because I think its fucking rediculous that its a big enough deal to even warrant talking about 'coming out'. I hate that we have to 'come out' of anything-- its just me ffs. But I know that part of my obstinacy is just fear for how they will react as well.

Good post!
Steve

Micky said...

The only reason we have to (decide to) come out is that most of society is based on the assumption that we're all heterosexual.

Coming out as gay releases us from the expectation of find a partner of the opposite gender, getting het. married, having kids etc etc,.

It's for all the guys - and plenty have blogs we all know and love - who got pushed into that as the path of least resistance. They did it because it's the heterosexual norm and they hadn't ever had the courage, or whatever, to come out as gay and stop the charade.

For most of us it's what Billy says - stopping living a lie. As you wrote John, you had all that hassle about who had told who you were gay because you thought it was a big secret and something so personal that it was yours to control.

WRONG! Once we tell even one person that we're bi- or gay or whatever, then we're potentially telling the world.

"Don't tell Aunty Vi - it'll kill her!"

Aunty Vi ia probably already 90% sure anyway - and will be really upset if she's the only one who we never tell!

So Coming Out is . . .the whole damn shooting match!

Matt. said...

well done for coming out i guess man at least you dont have to worry if and how it will happen :P

x

cvn70 said...

John

Nice story and sorry about hannah

hope you are well take care and be safe

bob

philyabootz said...

if you think your coming out was bad you should read mine
http://getalife-philyabootz.blogspot.com/2009/06/closet-eviction-part-1.html

HoneyAndDarling said...

I wonder when we would stop using word Gay, its all about diversity and I wish others respect it.

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