Fuck This Life.

on Sunday, June 20, 2010
I want out.
John. You can't just leave everything for nothing.

I want to just leave and live in LA.
You have no place to stay and $1,000 to your name.

You are so far behind fucked. You haven't done shit with you life. Just run.
You can't run. You have a plan just stick to it.

I don't want the plan. Fuck business school. Fuck community college.
Its a plan and its only 2 years till you transfer out. Then your life will start a new.

Fuck that. It's two years in a hell whole. With shit heads that arn't worth shit. Like Shelby. Not to mention she is actually going there. Oh and Taylor is as well.
It's just an education. Get a degree and move on. You don't need to talk to anyone. Just go and leave.

Fuck that. While my friends are partying it up with frats and shit in a dorm out of town.
Thats your fault. You are the one with the not so great GPA and 1400 on your SAT.

Yah, I know. I'm lazy and suck at doing shit work that is a waist of my life. I'm smarter then 90% of the fucking shit heads that I graduated next to and I can say that with absolute certainty.
It's over now. Just get threw the next two years.

I DONT WANT TO SUFFER ANOTHER 2 YEARS. I WANT OUT. I want to live in LA. With a medical marijuana card. I'll fucking figure it out when I get there.
You can't just "figure it out!" That shit doesn't work. Plus. You will have your name on some fucking database. Then its going to come back and hunt you when your 30 and want to do something with your life.

I have been watching weeds all day. I'm going to LA tomorrow to drop my brother at his 2 week camp shit. Then im leaving for Israel. Yup secrets out. My parent's were born in Israel. That's where my moms been at. Im going there for 2 weeks because I have nothing but shit to do here. I literally have been using netflix for then I have been social. I think I might have forgotten how to speak. I'm ready to dip out.

Israel isn't going to be a vacation. Im staying at my aunts house. The house where her husband just died. Where she cries every night because she is still dealing with it. I don't really give to shits right now about going to clubs and drinking (cause I can there) and shit.

I just want a person that I can talk to. That isn't just over the internet. Like a person I can hug or kiss or fuck. But that shit is going to happen. You know why? because no fucking guy has ever likes me. Plus its not like I have that many options right now. I don't know where to find any more gay guys in this city. Fuck. It's not like I hang out in the gay crowd. I don't know how the fuck im going to find a normal guy while im sitting watching fucking netflix.

I'm so done with living every day doing absolutely nothing with my life. I don't like my life right now. I hate it.

I know my life a month ago was fake as shit. Yah... but at least my fake life had me fake happy. Now im miserable as shit.

sorry. just had to vent for a min there. you guys are all i really have left.


Anonymous said...

You really do sound down now. I hope you will enjoy the trip to Israel and find something there you enjoy doing.

One thing to think about: right now the next two years sounds like a long time to plod through. But it is a tiny fraction of your life as a whole. When you look back on it ten years from how, it will seem like it passed in a blink of the eye. You have to pay your dues as you go through life. The next two years, and the two after that, are necessary dues you have to pay to be successful in life. Always keep your eyes on the future and don't dwell so much on what is happening in the present. Life for you will definitely get better.

Anonymous said...

You know what, kid?? Sometimes you have to hit bottom, before you can start moving up again... So, you've had a catharsis... It's time to gather yourself and get tough... Your life, and the world awaits... There are way worst things than going to a second choice school- how about achieving this time till your grades open up other options for you?? You have had your eyes opened to the failures of the past... Some people go into denial mode, at a time like this, and go on, screwing up their lives... If you make this a new starting point, and get a foothold... Well, the sky's the limit!!

Yeah, I know, it sounds like some infomercial, right?? The thing is, it's true!! Dig your heels in, John, and use the things that you have learned to your benefit... It'll be quite a ride... I'll put my seatbelt on!! lol luv, tman<3

Steve said...

Hey John... long-time, first-time here... didn't ever feel a need to post here before mainly due to all the good advice you get (particularly from the last two above ^^)

anyway, just wanted to let you know I was out there and thought that you are a young man who can write very well, tells a good story, and someone I personally think is worth spending a lot of my time following... :-)

anyway, hang in there.... the best thing you have going for you is what sounds like really healthy relationships with your parents... that gives you a huge advantage in life - more then you could ever realize at your age..


wayner said...

'at least my fake life had me fake happy' lol I love that line. Yeah, listen to the rational answers to your own questions. You have a right to be angry and I am not going to say otherwise. And living in LA with a medical marijuana card does sound like fun lol. After reading your blog over the last few months I'd say your life is certainly not a waste! You have a lot of amazing talents and made some money with them. Stick to the plan and don't blow things out of proportion.
-And why not vacation in Israel? Get away from it all and cheer up your aunt a bit. Check out the scene there. And when you get back, check out the gay crowd cos there are definitely some sensitive and caring gay guys out there for you. Enough of the screwball women. Get into some physical activities to help relieve stress and meet people; it's summertime! Enjoy your freedom. And find that guy you can talk to. bfn - Wayne (hugs and don't you dare hate your life!)

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cvn70 said...


Hey buddy its not all bad and what wrong with an education u do need one. Israel sounds like quite an interesting place to go i hope that is a good time

stay strong my friend and do what is right not what u want ok

take care and be safe


Anonymous said...

welcome to our wonderful world. living poor totally sux. trust me on that. u absolutely have to get some kind of degree an education. will never have a decent job or life w/out one now days. sad fact but absolute truth. peace-out

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