Treat this post as a journal... If you would like to comment on my feelings and emotions then please do so in a positive way. Please understand that this post is just that. My emotions on paper (or in this case on the blog).
My day involved many ups and downs. It started with my comment about being sick. I called my mom from my bed and asked her if I could stay home from school because I wasn't feeling well. She was very hesitant in saying that I could and while doing so pointed out that I was missing school and that it was a bad decision. So yah. Maybe my sickness isnt the worst it could be. Maybe I just needed this day off, if not for the fact that I was sick but for the fact that I just needed the day off. She didnt notice this. She didnt care.
My mom is depressed. I can see it in her eyes. I can tell something is wrong but I dont know what it is. I cant sit here and explain how I know. I just do. I dont know what she wants out of her life anymore. I dont see the same person I saw a couple months ago. My mom was always at work. Leaving me without one. I hated it. I always commented about it. Now she is at home all the time. Yet this time she is mentally absent.
I tried ok. I asked her what was wrong and when she denied anything being wrong I even asked her for the truth for a second time. Its not in my power. I cant turn the TV and make her talk to me. Its out of my control. So fine. I can see how this is going to end and im not going to be the one to stop it this time. If she wants to lose me in her life then fine. I dont think she really cares anymore anyway.
You know who you guys never hear about? My dad. You know why? No... he's not dead. He just isnt there. I cant sit here and tell you that my dad is there for me. He cares, sure, but he isnt there. He is worse then my mother. The only proof I can show you of that is that when I talk about my parents his name doesnt even come up. Not on purpose either. Its just because I forget.
I'm done with this family. By done I mean im out. Im emotionally and physically drained. As soon as high school is over so is our connection. Yes, they provide for me. They provide everything but the one thing I want most. Maybe im asking for too much. Maybe a relationship with my parents is something that I'm never going to have. If so, then fine.
Im going to start smoking weed again. Its a personal decision I have made. Its not a social thing and its not something im going to tell my friends about either. Just like this blog, its something I need to get my feelings out. Something to give me a happy median. So that I dont need to need.
I have realized that I dont want a boyfriend anymore. I just want to be alone right now. Im going to try to keep a few friends that I think are good people. The rest im cutting ties with. I'm turning 18 next month. Im going to start living.
My mom just came in my room:
HER: "Your not going to sleep? You have to wake up early tomorrow" (in other words: your going to school tomorrow.)
ME: "Why would I wake up early?"
HER: "You have school tomorrow?"
ME: "That doesnt mean that i have to wake up early." (i can play the game too right?)
HER: "I left you a note." she then leaves.
5 min latter she walks in without nocking on the door this time (i closed the laptop. she nows im hiding something. note: i think she knows im hiding something because she didnt question it. if she knows about this blog and is reading it I wouldnt be surprised. That is just like her.)
HER: "im leaving. im going out. bye." she leaves.
Im so done. Fuck I dont care anymore. I dont care about school. Or friends. Or people. Or a job. Or money. I care about this though. This blog is me. It's who I am. Its my life. My true life written down. Im listing to a song called The Past. It speaks to me. Like it was written just for me.
Im getting the fuck out. (im in tears.) I cant do this anymore people. I NEED TO GET OUT!! All these side projects. All these ideas and distractions cant hold me together anymore. The pain is to strong. Its to fucking strong.
I know people are dying and have it worse then me. I know i have a "lucky" life. It all looks good on the outside but its note. Im just sick of it all. I know you can call me out on being a cry baby and I know you call me out and tell me im lucky to even have parents but sometimes, just sometimes, being lucky isnt a very good thing at all.
I just want to graduate and leave. Start my life and move on. Fuck the past here's the present. I dont want to go to college anymore. I really dont want too. I just want to fucking start my life already. I dont want to sit in class anymore. I dont want to study anymore. I dont want to write about life. I WANT TO LIVE IT ALREADY! Yah i know... "u have all the time in the world to live your life." yah. well guess what. I dont give a flying fuck. Im ready. Im telling you im ready. Give me a job and i'll work my ass up to get to the top. Just watch me.
I'm mad. At the world. I know it doesnt help to be mad and I shouldn't be because there is nothing I can do to change it right now but still, I'm mad. Do you realize KIDS have feel like they have to hide who they are? Why the hell does a 12 year old boy need to feel like he needs to lie about something so simple as to who he likes in the class. Why must a 17 year old be closeted? WHY? Why does this 17 year old have to hide who he really is from the world? It sounds so fucked up when I put it that way doesnt it? Again, I know. Everyone asks that question and there is no good answer. Im just saying my feelings. Its just pissing me off right now. Thats all.
Fuck this is long. (not to mention its the second post of the day). Sorry if this post was depressing and a total waist of your time. If you read it thanks. I appreciate the fact that you care. It means more then you will ever know.
