Family. Depression. The Future. Being Gay. Feelings.

on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Treat this post as a journal... If you would like to comment on my feelings and emotions then please do so in a positive way. Please understand that this post is just that. My emotions on paper (or in this case on the blog).

My day involved many ups and downs. It started with my comment about being sick. I called my mom from my bed and asked her if I could stay home from school because I wasn't feeling well. She was very hesitant in saying that I could and while doing so pointed out that I was missing school and that it was a bad decision. So yah. Maybe my sickness isnt the worst it could be. Maybe I just needed this day off, if not for the fact that I was sick but for the fact that I just needed the day off. She didnt notice this. She didnt care.

My mom is depressed. I can see it in her eyes. I can tell something is wrong but I dont know what it is. I cant sit here and explain how I know. I just do. I dont know what she wants out of her life anymore. I dont see the same person I saw a couple months ago. My mom was always at work. Leaving me without one. I hated it. I always commented about it. Now she is at home all the time. Yet this time she is mentally absent.

I tried ok. I asked her what was wrong and when she denied anything being wrong I even asked her for the truth for a second time. Its not in my power. I cant turn the TV and make her talk to me. Its out of my control. So fine. I can see how this is going to end and im not going to be the one to stop it this time. If she wants to lose me in her life then fine. I dont think she really cares anymore anyway.

You know who you guys never hear about? My dad. You know why? No... he's not dead. He just isnt there. I cant sit here and tell you that my dad is there for me. He cares, sure, but he isnt there. He is worse then my mother. The only proof I can show you of that is that when I talk about my parents his name doesnt even come up. Not on purpose either. Its just because I forget.

I'm done with this family. By done I mean im out. Im emotionally and physically drained. As soon as high school is over so is our connection. Yes, they provide for me. They provide everything but the one thing I want most. Maybe im asking for too much. Maybe a relationship with my parents is something that I'm never going to have. If so, then fine.

Im going to start smoking weed again. Its a personal decision I have made. Its not a social thing and its not something im going to tell my friends about either. Just like this blog, its something I need to get my feelings out. Something to give me a happy median. So that I dont need to need.

I have realized that I dont want a boyfriend anymore. I just want to be alone right now. Im going to try to keep a few friends that I think are good people. The rest im cutting ties with. I'm turning 18 next month. Im going to start living.

My mom just came in my room:

HER: "Your not going to sleep? You have to wake up early tomorrow" (in other words: your going to school tomorrow.)
ME: "Why would I wake up early?"
HER: "You have school tomorrow?"
ME: "That doesnt mean that i have to wake up early." (i can play the game too right?)
HER: "I left you a note." she then leaves.

5 min latter she walks in without nocking on the door this time (i closed the laptop. she nows im hiding something. note: i think she knows im hiding something because she didnt question it. if she knows about this blog and is reading it I wouldnt be surprised. That is just like her.)

HER: "im leaving. im going out. bye." she leaves.

Im so done. Fuck I dont care anymore. I dont care about school. Or friends. Or people. Or a job. Or money. I care about this though. This blog is me. It's who I am. Its my life. My true life written down. Im listing to a song called The Past. It speaks to me. Like it was written just for me.

Im getting the fuck out. (im in tears.) I cant do this anymore people. I NEED TO GET OUT!! All these side projects. All these ideas and distractions cant hold me together anymore. The pain is to strong. Its to fucking strong.

I know people are dying and have it worse then me. I know i have a "lucky" life. It all looks good on the outside but its note. Im just sick of it all. I know you can call me out on being a cry baby and I know you call me out and tell me im lucky to even have parents but sometimes, just sometimes, being lucky isnt a very good thing at all.

I just want to graduate and leave. Start my life and move on. Fuck the past here's the present. I dont want to go to college anymore. I really dont want too. I just want to fucking start my life already. I dont want to sit in class anymore. I dont want to study anymore. I dont want to write about life. I WANT TO LIVE IT ALREADY! Yah i know... "u have all the time in the world to live your life." yah. well guess what. I dont give a flying fuck. Im ready. Im telling you im ready. Give me a job and i'll work my ass up to get to the top. Just watch me.

I'm mad. At the world. I know it doesnt help to be mad and I shouldn't be because there is nothing I can do to change it right now but still, I'm mad. Do you realize KIDS have feel like they have to hide who they are? Why the hell does a 12 year old boy need to feel like he needs to lie about something so simple as to who he likes in the class. Why must a 17 year old be closeted? WHY? Why does this 17 year old have to hide who he really is from the world? It sounds so fucked up when I put it that way doesnt it? Again, I know. Everyone asks that question and there is no good answer. Im just saying my feelings. Its just pissing me off right now. Thats all.

Fuck this is long. (not to mention its the second post of the day). Sorry if this post was depressing and a total waist of your time. If you read it thanks. I appreciate the fact that you care. It means more then you will ever know.

17 comments:

Sam said...

Hello friend!
I won't say I am sorry to read this, coz that wont bring u any good right.
I can very much relate to everything u're saying... man! We shall conquer it all!

So I just want u to know that u're not the only one going through this shit. I know it's frustrating and u feel as if its over; u're saturated; u cant take it anymore.

But guess what? You actually are gonna make it through. The fact that you could write down all u're going through is something...
If life brings us shit then let us return that shit back to it; as they say; if life gives u lemon make lemonade (I am trying to lessen the tension a bit here lol)

Man! high school is gonna be over sooner than u think and then u're off to a new chapter, a much cooler one, hopefully. Don't care about what others think or feel for now; think about yourself. YES! It's time to be selfish! These times do come. So please treat urself the way u deserve n make sure u put ur own good before anyone else for now.

Your parents are responsible to provide for you and play their role as parents. You've tried to see if you can help; you've dne your best. They're adult enough to take care of themselves.. so don't worry about them for now... They will miss you and realize how they'd better be proud of you as u become less around; ie at college.
And College will be a nice stage for you. You'll be studying what you like and what you're passionate about and leave all school's crappiness out. You'll meet new people and build great friendships.. u'll be busy with stuff u enjoy!!! there's a chance of a fresh start! So hang in there and keep looking forward to the great future u're gonna construct for urself!

Love and Care,
Sam

Octavius said...

I do care fella..., I may not always leave a comment, but I always check in.

I'm really sorry about your situation, and I can certainly understand how you feel..., I was your age once as well. When I left school (I left early because I had the grades to get into uni a year ahead anyway) I went into the army..., I just wanted to get away from everything.

Well, that didn't work out so well, and after dooing an apprenticeship I ended up in uni anyway. Funny how life turns out mate. Education is important, but if you feel the need to not get it, then that is your choice.

On the whole drugs thing..., my advice is stay well clear. I know why you want it, and all I will say is that it will do you no good in the end. What you do with your life is your choice, I respect that, but I think you might be doing things for the wrong reasons here.

Don't waste your life chasing that first high mate..., it will never feel that good again, trust me on that one, I have years of experience.

If you want to chat, my addy's are on my blog mate. I'm on most nights.

Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

cvn70 said...

john

sorry tohear you are having these feeling. Parents arent perfect and well yours maybe a bogger challenge than most

I hope you get this all sorted out but dont do drugs and dont do anything rash

take care and be safe

bob

Anonymous said...

John,
It's okay to vent, and despite feeling alone and maybe abandoned, you are with people who care, here. Sam said it, cvn70 said it, Octavius did, and I am saying it now. You will come thru this and get out the other side.

Yeah, being closeted is the bitch of living, but that too will change, probably sooner and more positive than you think. Take care not to get busted for the weed, but since you really are an adult (wtf is a few months until 18 anyway!) then you need to make whatever decisions are right for you. Just think before you jump in.

you are loved and appreciated.

al

Jimmy said...

Dude,

Don't ya feel just a little bit better now that you put it down on 'paper'? I hope so. It sounded cleansing, anyway.

No words of wisdom here, cept we all go thru this shit - swimming w/ a cinder block necklace makes it hard to keep one's head above water.

blah,blah,blah

Spark up a big fatty and go for a walk. Borrow a dog if ya need to. Don't forget, college IS the start of your life. Fresh start, new beginning

blah,blah,blah

As Octavius said, I might not comment but I do check in often. I know that alot of what you said, you don't really mean. I know alot of what you said you do really mean. You'll sort it out.

Chin up man. Don't ice yer ma but focus on yourself. You tried w/ her but she's not ready. Take care of you - and don't forget to pick up after that dog. Cheers!

~Jimmy

Crocodile said...

John,

I follow your blog for a couple of months now. And I do care. Especially when you are writing about your emotions.

I've been through some really dark times myself. That wasn't pretty. From my own experience I know that it is essential to talk about your feelings. Just like you did in this post. So keep posting!

And yes, it will become better.

John Doe said...

Thank you all. I really really appreciate your kind words!!

Scottie said...

Your feelings are real, and your pain is real. Because they are yours. I get the feeling your overwhelmed right now. You also give the me the impression you care and want to help more than you want to admit.

One question, can you begin to live your life as you say now, while you finish this school part of it. Say work in or build up to what you call living your life. Small steps in that direction will make you feel a lot better about everything. It doesn't need be big to start, just one thing at a time to "live your life".

Best wishes,
Scottie

scottiestoybox.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Jeez, you think your life sucks? Yeah, I'm an old homosexual guy (in very good shape for my age!) and, trust me, homosexual teens went through living hell in the decades up until the '80s. Compared to us, you're in heaven today! I was forced to stay in the closet because all the gay guys were pretending to be str8. No gay porn. No such thing as 'coming out'. You wondered if you were the only one in existence! But I made the best of it and had many exciting sexual experiences. Sometimes you are a victim of relativity, because you are comparing your life to an ideal and of course it can never measure up. Count your blessings, man! You are young and in good health and the world is your oyster. Get the fuck out of the house into nature with some friends; try mountain bike or park bike riding; get away from the techno-crap into the sunshine and get some exercise, and the depression will melt away. You might even find some exciting guys! Maybe if you were a little more upbeat around your parents things will perk up; remember, they have lots of bullshit in life to put up with also. There are also some advantages to being homosexual; many heterosexuals are locked down in their relationships, and many of these guys resent their loss of freedom. Most homosexuals enjoy a level of freedom that most heterosexuals do not. Women are insanely jealous and protective of their relationships with men and keep the leash tight. At least today you can find some gay friends who can understand and support you. The main thing now is to get along with your parents and get your ass thru school so you can make some real money and gain your independence in the world. Life isn't all fun; you must have self-dicipline and responsibility; don't wallow in self pity and absorbtion. P.S.; Remember that aids, hep c, and other venerial diseases are out there so never assume. Stay away from addictive substances (including pot, tobacco and alcohol); they wreck your brain chemistry and, trust me, you never want to experience the hell of withdrawal. If friends say 'you can't get hooked' it is a lie! Good luck and remember, life can throw some good surprises your way also!-Wayne

John Doe said...

Wayne: i dont think my life sucks. we all go threw ups and downs (emotionally) and sometimes those downs go pretty low. There is many many happy posts on this blog. There are VERY few (maybe 3) posts that are not happy and positive. You have SO much to tell. You are way more experienced in life then I am. What you dont understand is that you can take that and help me in a caring way or you can write a comment like that telling me how im "lucky" and how i need to "count my blessings" people will always be luckier then someone. Its how life is. So yes. Maybe you think im luckier then you but am I really? Is my luck really anything to judge me for? No, its not. My parents are not something that can be dealt with at the moment. I cant. Its not going to work. At least not right now. Im way more mature then most kids my age. I think like an adult. I know that I might act like a kid at times but this was not one of those times. This is the same hardship you might face even at your age. If you look at it that way and read it as if I was an adult you will notice that the judgment you passed on with it is unfair.

Jimmy said...

True that, Johnny!

John Doe said...

@Jimmy im glad you agree with me! lol

Anonymous said...

I thought my comment was quite upbeat! I didn't mean totally sucks.lol There was an old science fiction series called Star Trek, and the Vulcan science officer Mr Spock was noted for disposing of all emotion and just living life on logic. Sometimes you just have to do the same thing and make logical rational decisions. I hear you about the parents thing, and yeah, it can be really hard on the head, but you have to look several years down the road and set achievable goals. Ask yourself 'will I be better off or worse off in the long run?' before making rash decisions.(and I am talking about education) And if you mother is having a rough time and is depressed maybe she could use a little support; where the hell is your dad in this picture but maybe it is nomfb. Giving you happy and positive comments right now may make you feel better right now, but will not solve your problems in the long run. Like I said, get out and have some fun but do whatever it takes to get educated to make some real money so you can enjoy freedom and independence (YOU NEED LOTS OF MONEY FOR REAL FREEDOM); and that requires long-term planning and that hated self- dicipline word. In the meantime enjoy the perks that come with homosexuality; its quite the adventure and at your age sex is free! Hope I'm not out in left field - Wayne

Seth said...

Oh man. You're really really down right now. I know how that feels - trapped, anxious, frustrated. And maybe some sad, depressed, gloomy thoughts. And even anger and resentment - why are you stuck in this situation?

It's a tough thing to have to work through, but it is life. Not saying your life is any better or worse than others, just... you'll see in time, there is only so much you can do. But at least it seems your head is pointed in the right direction, you've got the motivation to get on with the second half of your life. And I hope you can do that soon, for the better.

Just A Gay Guy said...

Life is a compromise. Keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it. Life IS a compromise. No one gets everything they want when they want it. If you think your situation is sooooooooo baaaaaaaaad right now, consider the alternative:

Get a piece of paper and write down EVERYTHING you'll spend money on living on your own. Don't leave anything out. Rent, utilities, cell phone food (don't forget to include eating out with friends occasionally). Movies with friends. And you WILL want to be able to treat your friends to stuff once in a while. Don't forget video games. Internet subscription. Now let's add car payment, gas and insurance. Hope those tires last forever! Hope it NEVER needs repair! What about clothes? You gonna wear those jeans forever? Clothes are expensive. New sneakers once in a while? They wear out too. You're gonna need a haircut once in a while too, dude.

What it adds up to is a SHITLOAD of money - money that your parents are currently providing for you right now. Think VERY, VERY carefully before you shitcan the family scene and strike out on your own. You don't know how good you have it.

Your parents may be apathetic toward you (gee, your mom won't talk to you but you won't talk to her either!). But at least they leave you alone to do what you want. How come teens NEVER see things from anyone else's perspective but their own? How come teens think the universe revolves around THEM? I'll never understand...

Anonymous said...

None of these comments really focus on the core issue - how John feels right now. Yeah, he has lots to be thankful for, but let's save that speech for Thanksgiving Turkey dinner. Having parents who support you, and enjoying more sexual and social freedom than guys did in other times is great, but reminding them of that is NOT going to lift someone out of their blue funk depression. So the real deal is to see the truth of the moment without losing sight of all the rest.

And, teens are NOT the only ones who think it's all about them.......that is a human attitude shared by all age groups when people feel lonely, sad, depressed, or otherwise bummed out. As another much older guy (Waaaaaaay past my teens) I get a little pissed off when I see comments that diss young people simply for venting their feelings. I wish I could have vented mine back in the day. At least John can verbalize (or keyboard his stuff) and feel that he is heard. Back in the dark ages when I was 17, it would have been social and physical suicide to come out and even discuss this with a doctor, let alone friends.

John Doe said...

@Just A Gay Guy: im not mad. sorry if this is going to sound that way. the universe does not, in any way, revolve around me. What you see here (i have said this before) is the 15 min of the year when you are hurting. Yah buddy. The same kind of 15 min you once had, whatever age you are. I go threw a bunch of shit and threw it at im still happy and positive. The reason you dont understand teens is because you are being a hypocrite. Yes, im calling you out (sorry). You are seeing like as an adult. You are NOT seeing life in my eyes. You read this (like i told you not 2) in your perspective. Threw it you judged me and focused on the fact that i was "complaining." Well I wasn't. I was venting. Letting out my anger. My hurt. My pain. Something that I dont regret. This is my diary. My journal. How is it that you never "cry yourself to sleep?" Are you never down? Did anyone ever call you a faggot and tell you that you were a POS? Were you happy about it or did you call the person an asshole? Well right now your looking at the perspective of the guy that you called an asshole and im the guy that got called a faggot. Im hurt and im letting it out. Would you want me to tell you that you got it good. You have a boyfriend. You have friends. You have money. No. I would say how fucked up that guy was. How he has no soul. How people like him are whats wrong with this world.

Post a Comment