This Is It.

on Saturday, November 7, 2009
I need to talk. So thanks for listening.

My mom blew up today. She couldn't take it. She started the conversation (more yelling then conversation) about my grade's and school and how I "ruined my life" or something like that.

What you need to know is that I have, for year's now, been building up this wall. Not on purpose but mentally have been butting up a barrier for my emotions. So when my mom hurt's of cries or anything it doesnt effect me. I realized that the reason I have been doing this was because, one day, my mom would stop loving me. One day she would find out I'm gay and would abandon me. So I had to stop loving her first so it wouldn't hurt me as much when she stopped loving me.

So I didnt take anything to heart. Yah sure I yelled a little here and there but mostly I was calm and collected and presented a punch where it needed to be. So then she blew up. She started saying "why can't I have a normal son" and "you waisted your life" stuff like that. She was crying and all. Then she said it: "One day you will know how it feel's. I will not love you anymore and not talk to you anymore and you will feel alone" Something like that. So I said "you already did that." So my mom goes: "I swear this is the last time im talking to you" then she leaves. She went upstairs for a bit then she left the house.

So this is the day. The day that my mom officially does not love me. How do I feel? I dont know. I'm not mad or sad and I'm not crying.

That's how built my wall is. My mom can tell me she doesnt love me and I dont even cry. I don't show any emotion at all. None.

3 comments:

Mr. HCI said...

Fuck

I'm glad you're alive and here but sad that she's the one who brought you into the world and into so much pain. Every kid deserves parents that love him or her unconditionally.

Hopefully, your mom will see the error of her ways, but it sounds like she's been planning on not loving you anymore for a while, now. How awful.

It might sound harsh to people who don't understand, but I think you did the right thing in preparing yourself for this.

*HUG* <-- as many as you need

Anonymous said...

I, for one, do not believe her. It sounds like empty words full of anger and self-hatred that have nothing to do with you. I'm a parent. It's impossible for me to comprehend this. I'm glad you were prepared, but I can't imagine having to prepare for such a thing. There's plenty of love out here in the rest of the world and I'm certain you will find more than you need.

Anonymous said...

You're a great guy and if I could give you hug I would.

I think Mr HCI and partic goleft have it right that (a) you did well to prepare for this to blow up like it has and (b) that maybe your Mum has some problems of her own that we all (inc. you) don't know about. She does not sound to be very OK at all just at present.

Would you be able to speak to your dad and see what he thinks about her reactions?

But listen - you're more than welcome to mail me or probably several other of your Followers, I'll be bound, if you need to find someone in a hurry to talk to.

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