I Don't Know... (post about the whole mother issue aka my coming out)

on Monday, November 9, 2009
You sit there and you plan. You think about every way and every conversation. Just when you think you have thought of every way your parents would react to the sentence "im gay" this happens:

They sit there and tell you they still love you and always will. They say that they were wrong for hurting you and they apologize. They tell you they want to be your mother. They are in tears asking for forgiveness and all of a sudden you realize:

Your not happy. This is what you always wanted to hear. This is the perfect situation. It's just like one of the conversations you thought about. Yet, your not happy. So your thinking and thinking and still nothing. Why am I not happy. Then you go to say something:

YOU: "I dont know"
MOTHER: "what dont you know"
YOU: "i just... dont know"
...
YOU: "I dont know what to say."

She leaves the room and your dad, which has been in the room most of the time, hugs you and tell you that you are the most important thing ever. He is tearing up now and you have never seen him cry other then when his dad, your grandpa, died. Then you realized why you werent happy.

Right before all this happened you realize how much you really liked Jake (yah... remember him?). You realize this because he changed his status on facebook to: "in a relationship". Your not in that relationship. He just played you. So how much did you like Jake? Not much. It just made you feel like a fool. Why try is what is going threw your head. "It's not fair. Why can't I be happy for once?? Why is it that I'm the gay guy thats never been on a real date. Why?? Im not ugly and im a nice person. So why??"

At this moment your mom still hasnt come to talk to you. You want to just run back into the closet. Forget about all the things I have said and all the people that know. Just run back and pretend to be straight. It was just to late. That closet is already gone. They tore it down.

You go to blogger and right when you logged into the account you are hiding from everyone you know your mom walks in. She is ready for you to tell her. You already let her go.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Be strong. For all of us.
I still haven't told my family I'm gay, and when I llok back on my life I realise that even before I knew; I had started to distance myself from them. I knew something would happen, and I would get hurt. I just didn't know what that was.

Sidenote. Don't feel bad about not having dated. I'm 19, turning 20 in April and I haven't gone on a date either.

Mr. HCI said...

John!

It sounds like you're letting the thing with Jake overshadow everything else.

You came out to your folks and they told you they still love you? Your mom even apologized for the other day? Count your blessings, young man!

Dating: Do you have any idea what the percentage is of gay boys your age who've actually gone on dates (I mean with other boys)? OK, I have no idea but I can assure you it's low. When I was 17, it would've been less than 1%, probably less than %0.10. Kids come out earlier-and-earlier these days but just look at the people in this little gay/bi blogosphere. Plenty are a older than you and in the closet. Plenty are considerably older and only just now going through the coming out process.

You're not "the" gay guy that's never been on a real date; you're "a" gay guy who's not yet been on a real date. Life takes time. Hang in there!

Matt. said...

meh no ones knows what happiness is man

Helga Vonlunch-Box said...

HELLO!!! JAKE IS SOOOO YESTERDAY! :)
You need to move along from that losser...
Let him go...He so isn't the one that you
are ment to be with...You're way to good for
him...Trust me!

Your dad seems like a wonderful person :)
He's a true dad...Don't worry about how to talk
to your mom till you know just what to say...
Ask her if she loved you when she found out
she was pregnant with you...And if when you
were born...AND when she thought you were
straight...Honey...I love my children...I don't
care if they are GLB or even T...I want my
children to know that I love THEM...That is how
you should approach it with your mom...Ask her
if she loved you then...and tell her that you
are the same person but you just came out to
her...That's all...

HUGS!

Laurie

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