10% Battery Left!

Well on my laptop...

I'm going to try to type as fast as possible. Sorry for the errors that are indefinite. Sooooo... how is everyone doing? Are you guys glad that 2009 is over? Well I know I am. I'm really excited for 2010. For one it's my graduating year which is always a plus. I'm turning 18 in two months. I will be in college in 2010. It is going to be a good year for me! I can tell already.

So I'm having a small party at my house because my mom wont let me invite more then 5 friends over for new years. We will be getting shit face drunk though so that's still in play. She asked who's going and then asked me if one of the guys that are coming was my boyfriend. Except it took her a while to say it. It went somewhat like this:

Mother: "Is the guys one of your friends?" (in disgust)

Me: "All of the people that are coming are my friends..." (confused)

Mother: "You know like your friend. Whatever you call it." (still with disgust)

Me: "I have no idea what you are taking about it" (still very confused)

Mother: "Whatever you call it. Boyfriend" (in the ultimate sound of disgust)

The positive of this all is that she is finally acknowledging the fact that I'm gay. It's a step...

Well my laptop is about to turn off so bye!! Question of the day: What is your new years resolution?

Gay Teen Stories... New Years Resolutions!

Are any of them true? I've read a ton on these blogs. The whole a kid happens to bump into another and they both end up finding out they are gay and hook up and have amazing sex and then fall in love. Yah... ok. Oh but hot I wish that happened to me lol I'll even skip the sex part and just go ahead and fall in love and then have sex. I'm fine with that. lol

I have come to realize that this blog is basically a trap. For example: anyone that knows me will know this is my blog. If I talk about going to a bar mitzvah and I live in vegas and then my cousin reads this she will know its me. How many people do the same things as I do? So from now on I'm not hiding my identity. Well... yes I am. lol I'm just not going to pretend that this is not my blog. If someone finds it then I'll be fine with informing them that it is indeed mine.

So off to my New Years Resolutions:

1. Go to the gym at least once a week for an hour and a half.

2. Make new best friends to make new memories!

3. Find love.

4. Graduate High School!

5. Get all A's second semester (i didnt this one :/ stupid english class!)

6. Build 3 AMAZING websites. Work on 4 AMAZING Graphic projects.

7. Take a road trip to San Francisco and attend the Gay Pride parade.

8. Make tons of youtube videos and gain 1,000 subscribers. (aka get a new hobby lol)

9. Get a job where I can grow and move up the ladder.

10. Make a difference in someone's life threw this blog by showing them that being gay and happy is possible.

P.s. the heating upstairs in broken =[ it is currently 65 degrees in my room! IM FREEZING!!

PARTY & A SECRET!!

So yesterday I didnt post because I had like 6 shots of patron and wasn't very able at the time. I had such a great time at the party yesterday. I looked HOT also. I had a light purple shirt with a skinny purple tie and dark gray pants that where pin stripped. Very very sexy! haha Thought it gave off the "I'm gay" look pretty well. One part of the night I was holding a Casmo and that totally pushed it lol

I had a fun time. I danced like I was at a club. It was so much fun. It was really the first time I was drunk around my parents. I just kind of went up to the bar and kept taking shots and they stopped me after 6. I was not even close to drunk though. I was definitely tipsy but if I had to walk a straight line I probably could have.

So remember that "hot guy" I was talking about. The one that is friends with my cousin. Well at the party he said he needed to tell me something in private latter. So I was like "is he gay?!?!?" cause why would he need to tell me something? (he knows I am). Anyway I saw him today and he was like "never mind it doesnt matter anymore" but I convinced him that I could keep a secret (yes, i played the i was in the closet card) my cousin comes and then he was like "i'll tell you latter" AGH!!! I'm dying to know what the secret it. Is he gay? what?!?!

I dont really think he is gay. There is a part of me that wants him to be gay so thats probably why i think he might say it. I promised I wouldnt tell anyone. So I dont think I'll tell you what the secret is. I'll say what the secret wasnt though. If he tells me the secret and it isnt that he is gay then I'll write that he isnt gay but I wont write the actual secret. Does that make sense? Agh! I'm dying to know what it is.

Well... lots more happened in the last 2 days but this is getting long. So I'll talk to you guys tomorrow!

Mother I Cant Get Married & You Know That!

Yesterday was one of the first days I wasnt to say that to her when she brought up my future. The sad part was she did it in front of my entire extended family. Wait lets me clarify, my entire, religious, family. Yup. Here is the story:

We went out last night to my aunts house for shabbat dinner. For you non-jews that is a dinner every friday night where we celebrate the 7th day of rest God took. Im not religious at all but my family is a tad and the fact that all the extended family is in town for a Bar Mitzvah just gave my Aunt the opportunity to have a full fledged dinner. This included prayer, more prayer, eating, drinking (yah... we jews drink lol), then more prayer! In between all of the fun festivities my mother found a way to throw out this wonderful sentence: "Yup, he is getting older. Next college and marriage..." Which i responded quickly with the fact that there is a long time before that is going to happen. Then the family threw more comments on the subject like: "Your probably being classed by tons of girls!" To which I replied: "Yah, but dont worry. I'm running pretty fast!"

Let me tell you my mom wasnt liking what she got herself into. The fact that she had to throw it out there to make it seem like I was straight was hurtful. I wouldnt care as much if it was meant to protect me but it truly wasnt. It was her way of making herself look better but not having a gay son. So I latter went up to her when there were less people around and had a nice conversation with her:

ME: "What was all that about?" (not in a angry tone at all)

MOM: " What are you talking about?"

ME: "Marriage?"

MOM: "We were talking about your future I didnt mean now."

ME: "I cant get married and you know that."

MOM: "Ok. Ok. stop talking not this again."

ME: "Listen I tont have to tell you this more then once. Im not embarrassed by who I am and I dont really care if you are. You dont throw we under the buss to make yourself look better."

MOM: "I dont want to talk about this."

What a fucking wonderful mother I have guy!! I am tempted to go to the bar mitzvah in a shirt that says "I FUCK BOYS!" See how she likes that statement. "No mom, i was just talking about the future."

The night went on and I got some whisky in my system. I hate when people take shots of whisky! Who the hell takes shots of whisky?? The party is at 7pm so I'm going to go start my day before I need to start getting ready. Bye guys!

It's Christmas Eve!! Oh & Really Hot Guy lol

Why do I even care? Im sitting home alone and I am not even christian lol I just get excited during the holiday season. I cant help it. lol

Anyway im still a bit sick. Im getting better slowly. Today was the first part of my cousins bar mitzvah. It was the torah reading. It was ealry in the morning and there was a bunch of family there. It was so overwhelming. My other cousin who is a year younger then I am (she is the sister to the guy that is getting bar mitzvah'd) has this really hot friend that came into town. He lived in New York. He is straight and all but still. Im allowed to say he is hot right? lol

So i have nothing to do tonight. I noticed just now how I dont talk about hanging out with friends much. I'll start blogging more about that. Today all my friends are with family and me, the Jew, has nothing to do so he is stuck watching lifetime movies at home lol I thought my cousin (the older one with the hot friend) were going to do something but I never got a call so I'm watching some christmas lifetime movie!

So I have been wondering about first loves. When was yours?? How old were you? How long was your relationship. I really want to fall in love. I think im ready but hey... im letting nature take its course lol

Over All Good Day & Acting Straight...

I had a good day today. I got new shoes! Two pairs of them at that. They are really cute and in style. Im starting to feel better and hopefully I'll be 100% healthy tomorrow. I went and played bowling with my cousin and some family that came from out of town for a Bar Mitzvah and I won BOTH games!! WOO!! haha I usually always loose at bowling so I was really surprised. I bowled a 95 and a 102. Pretty good for someone that hasnt played for almost a year now lol.

So that brings me to another subject. Acting straight. I find that after I came out of the closet (to the friends) I started to let my true personality out. A.K.A. acting gay. Im not one of those feminine guys. Hell no im not. I would definitely be the guy in the relationship, but I am still gay and it shows. So when family is around I tend to, instinctually, try to act straight. You know, have a deeper voice. Use less "gay" words like "omg!" Stuff like that. It is not something im proud of. Its kind of homophobic in itself. Inside I still feel like I need to hide who I am to be accepted by other. Even if those "others" are the family I see once in 5 years.

So my message is this. I dont need to act straight for others to accept me. I am who I am and there is NOTHING wrong with it. My parents dont like the fact that I'm gay. In fact I think they hate it. We dont speak about it and she still tries to hook me up with girls. Its not the end of the world. IM GAY IM HERE AND I LOVE MYSELF!

I think that is the true meaning of coming out. When you can say that out load. I think im finally at that step. Im John. Im 17. Oh yah, and, I fuck boys. =p

Being Sick Sucks & SAT Scores!

So the SAT scores are up. Im kind of disappointed in myself. Its not the official score its just the three different scores and then i added it up myself so im guessing that is my score. It said to check back on the 29th to find out the real score so we will see if it changes any. If you care I got a 1440 if that is my actual score. I didnt study or anything so I didnt expect anything amazing.

Im also pretty sick right now =[ I think my little brother got me sick. I was going to film another scene today but I had to cancel because im so sick. This is putting me so behind schedule! I need to go buy a boom mic also. Which reminds me that I still need to go get shoes for my cousins bar mitzvah on Saturday. Why did I get sick?? This is shitty timing!

Well im going to go get some rest...

Kids Are So Fucking Annoying!!

Sorry for the language but they get on my last nerve! My little cousins came into town and they are so annoying. They are 6 & 10 (both boys). The 6 year old is a total pain in the ass. He runs around and gets his older brother in trouble and needs all the attention he can get. He never listens to anything anyone tell him. Well this is a rant so im going to stop myself lol

Anyways guys, I think I found a really cute gay guy that goes to my school. I have known him for the past couple years but we never really talked. He was just in my classes. Anyway he is a junior and I think he just came out. Im not sure yet but I will have to find out. You see he came into our class to deliver a note and a girl goes: "did he come out yet?" and then another girl was like "yah i think he is gay" and then another girl was like "who the kid that just walked in" and then the frist girl said: "yah i think he just came out of the closet" Ill update you guys with more information latter... =p

See the thing is Im going to see Jake at regionals (the guy that played with my heart) in feb and he is on the state board and he is still with his boyfriend. So I want to go there and be like "yah, this is my really hot boyfriend that is not you and im extremely happy!" Well you guys know what I mean! That is the plan! So I need to find a really hot guy =p

We are filming another scene tomorrow and im really excited for it. It is a very intense scene and I hope the girl that is playing the lead can pull it off. I know she can so im not to worried!

Ill leave you with a picture I found of a hot guy on Smutty Stuff:

OMG! Its Been Forever!!!

Yikes! I just got back from California and noticed that I haven't posted a log in the longest time!! This is crazy! I usually post ever day!!! I will make up for it soon. Promise!

So I just got back from this awesome vacation! I went to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I had a blast! Universal is like my second home but it never gets old. I go there all the time. Disneyland we go to every 2 years so its always fun and enjoyable! Let me mention that there were NO cute boys at either of these parks!! Where are all the cute guys?!?! haha

The day before we left we had family come to town (which is really why we went on the trip lol). It was also the first day of filming! Obviously it came with trouble. The teacher I asked to play the director(yes there is a role of a director) in the last min. got sick and canceled so we had to skip filming for that scene until after winter break! We filmed only one scene that day instead of 2 and that put me behind schedule! Then at disneyland the next day I get a text from a friend that said that the teacher wants to completely drop the role because of this drama she has with the theater teacher. So now I have no one playing the "director"! Fun stuff right? I didnt worry about it to much because I was at Disneyland but now im starting to get a little but worried! Yikes!!

Well there is a lot I can go on about but I dont want to overwhelm you with information so ill spread it out threw out the next couple days. Sunday Survey will not be posted this week =[ Sorry I just got home and I havent "searched" around for pics!! I feel so bad about missing 5 days!! I'll find a way to make it up to all of you guys!!

Parents = Stress & Car Accidents!!

My mom has been PMS'ing today. Maybe not literally but she is being a total bitch. I love my mom but I feel like when she is being a bitch I have the right to call her out on it lol. Anyway... my mom hit this technology mid-life crisis type thing. She decided she is taking care of all this stuff that I usually manage. For example: my mom upgraded her iPhone 3G to the new 3GS and my dad got her old 3G because he as the original one. She also fucked it all up but thats besides the point lol. Anyway this all leads to "Hey John! Come here for a second" which a) is way longer then a second and b) happens every 5 seconds when she cant figure it out but wont let me just do it for her.

So then my dad gets stressed so he decides he is going to go to my aunts house to pick up the jelly donuts for Hanukkah and on the way out of the garage he crashes my moms car (a Lexus) into mine (a Nissan Altima)! This leaves a HUGE dent in my mom's car and fucks mine up even more. The damage is crazy!! Why?? Why must my car be the victim?? It has been backed into in a parking lot, egged, keyed, and now hit once more. WTF!! Agh!

On a brighter note I finally got a license for my screenplay! It leaves a few rights to the public. Its under a creative commerce license so it was free and still protects my rights. Pretty cool huh? Tomorrow if the first day of filming for the short film. The teacher I asked to play the "director" dropped and now I have to find a replacement. We will see what happens... Im nervous!!

Im so ready for winter break! Disneyland and Universal Studios!! =p Woo! I have no idea how im going to be able to post here =[ does anyone know of an iPhone app for Blogger? If you do let me know!

Blah Blah Blah!!

I forgot to post yesterday. Well forgot is an understatement. I was so busy that I spaced out completely. You see I had to drive down to the apple store that like like 20 min away at 11am because my iMac's display is having a bit of trouble being nice to me. While I was there I picked out an outfit for my cousin's bar mitzvah at Express. Then I drove home and got there right in time for the meeting at 1pm for my short film.

The meeting went really well. We went over a lot of character development stuff. I had a lot to say and a lot to talk about but I really want this project to go well! We went over all the info stuff like the schedule, when we are filming each scenes, what to wear, and all that fun stuff. The meeting ended at around 3pm. Then I had a couple hours where I worked on hw and projects. After that the family headed to a family friends house for a Hanukkah dinner/party thing. It was fun overall.

Today was nothing special either. Just a boring monday. It's spirit week at our school but its still a boring week! I really am just bored of school lol. 4 days till winter break. Well im missing friday so I guess 3 for me =p Tomorrow im getting a hair cut and then Wednesday is the first, and the longest, day of filming! Im really really excited!! =p

Well I guess I should go to sleep now... I have school tomorrow. =[ lol

Auditions & Heat! =p

Yup! lol Our heating system upstairs wasnt working a month know and the guys came and fixed it today!! Yay for warm nights now! lol I was so busy yesterday that I didnt have time to post a blog! Srry guys!

After all the normal weekday stuff (school....) I came home and held the auditions for my short film! As much as I loved the process it was one of the hardest things I did!! it wouldnt have been so bad if they were not all people that I knew on a personal level but still it was tough. Some of them were AMAZING but didnt fit well with others so they got a role as an extra! Even though they were 10x better actors. It took me around 30 min to decide who got the roles. In the end I'm really happy with the cast and we have our first meeting tomorrow! Im super excited!

I should be writing the essays I have to finish but I rather procrastinate. =[ I have to take my iMac to the apple store because either the graphics card or the display is on the fritz! It sucks!!! The good news is that the Apple store is in a mall so im going to go buy some clothes while im their lol.

So question of the day: Mac or PC?? I'm personally an Apple person myself. =p

Tis' The Season To Find Love?!

It looks like im going to find love soon! haha I put on a wishlet a while ago and the first bead fell off today! If you dont know what that means let me explain: A wishlet is a bracelet that you put on and make a wish, in my case it was to find true love. When that wishlet falls off your wish will come true!

So yah... today was not the best. I think I did really bad at my math test. I found out my one act isnt going to regionals! Oh and to top it all off my friends are still acting weird! Fuck I hate writing about bad shit because it makes it seem like im complaining. Which I really dont want to do because I dont like too complain! So lets move on...

I'm finding an absence of hot guys! Nothing to lust over. Which a) makes me 10 times hornier and b) makes me wonder: if i cant find a hot guy how will i find a hot GAY guy haha

I forgot to write about this yesterday but this girl in my government class is always saying how she likes my clothes. She comments every day. So yesterday she finally turnes to me and with a really flirty tone goes: "You know you always have the cutest jackets!" This time, bored of the usual "thank you", I decided to go with: "yah! I guess it comes with being gay!" She goes: "oh..." and turns around! The look on her face was priceless! Did I mention that today she sat on the other side of the room also? oh I love being out of the closet! haha

AGH! my laptop is about to die and im no were near a my charger so I have to say bye! Quick question: Have you ever been hit on by a hot girl and totally shot her down? lol BYE!!

Life Is Weird Right Now...

I dont know how to explain it all but it is. My friends are bugging. People are really depressed and my sex life is well... non existent at the moment haha. No but really! I swear something is going around. All my friends are totally acting weird. Like they are judging me or that im annoying them. Which is super fucked up right? anyways... I just wanted to get that off my chest. We can act like none of that happened for now...

I have so much stuff I want to share with you guys! Like my photography and my short film but it all would link back to who I am. So its tough balancing it all. I think im going to go take some shots on Saturday evening and I will post some pics here and not show them to anyone else.

My short film is coming along. I did the schedule today and it looks like I have a total of 5 days of filming which seems like nothing but it might just work out. The film has to be 5 min max so it will have to do. Im going out of town next weekend so that is why I have no time. I also am balancing having a bar mitzvah to go to and family members coming into town. So yah... busy, busy, busy. I do have the screenplay almost done. Im going to post it under a CC license so that people can use it if they would like. =p Like I said I cant post it here because it has my real name and contact info on it. I'll most likely just make a post where ill make it into a story and post it. We will see...

Im so ready for winter break!! One more fucking week!! Im going to disneyland and universal studios during winter break! Im super excited! =p

Well, goodnight! Sorry this post was so boring... I'll make up for it ;)

Well... Do I Have A Story For You!

I really liked hearing your views from yesterdays post! It was very nice =p

Anyways on to the story. Today is one of those days where nothing really important happened. So I'm going to tell you my first time experience. I don't recall writing about it but if I did then here it is in a story form...

My first time was not the storybook fairy tale that you hear all about. It was with a guy that liked me a lot. More then I liked him. In fact other then the fact that he had a penis I don't think I was very attracted to him. Anyways, I was 17 an he was 18 (yup! It was illegal!). This was around the time when I partied and all my friends were hooking up left and right and I didn't want to loose my virginity to a hook up but still wanted to hook up with these really hot guys. So I told myself since this guy really likes me it wouldn't be a hook up. We have known each other for a long time now and he has liked me for the longest time so it wouldn't be a "hook up" right? Well it totally was. I fucked him in his car in the middle of nowhere. It was weird and awkward because he really liked me and I didn't really care. It was just sex to me. Anyways, it was so awkward then other then some dirty texts I never really talked to him again. I proceeded to hook up with a bunch of guys that where total hotties. One of them, Mark, was "straight" and a total jock! OMG was he hot. He had a HUGE dick too! Anyways... this is getting very graphic lol.

So that is how I lost my virginity. It sucked but whatever. Shit happens and you move on. Im now over the hook up stage and im ready for a serious relationship. Which im sure you dont really care about. You probably rather hear "so last night i hooked up with tyler and we fucked all night..." Sorry guys! I want to find love. So if that means boring blog post like this one then im sorry. Im sure that the guy will come along and my posts will be full of juicy details then haha

Love, John! :)

Relationships?

First thing first: my choice for the sunday survey is: B. A is a VERY close second. Adam was only on there because: a) he is gay b)lots of my friends think he is hot c)i was spacing out for a third person lol

So one of my friends jut got out of a relationship. She was dumped by her boyfriend that was "bored" of having a relationship. She has been having a horrible week and this didnt help at all. I felt really bad. Then my other friend is no dating the "gay" guy. The one i wrote about who is totally gay but wont admit it. So now im wondering... what does a relationship mean to you? To me its someone that you know you can love, trust, and tell all your secrets to. A relationship is with someone that after you see that person you cant stop smiling for hours.

Well I just got called in to do a stupid stupid tech thing for my school. It starts in 15 min and the person just ran out of gas and cant get to school on time so I have to cover... gosh i dont want to do this. im way to nice of a person lol So sorry but this post has to be cut short!

Again if you want to trade links email me: sinceyoufoundout@gmail.com BYE!! =p

Survey Sunday: Celebrity Edition! =p

Thats right!! Its here and its: THE FIST OFFICIAL SURVEY SUNDAY!!(sorry i posted it so late. I thought i hit post but i hit save instead!! Sorry!!)

Who is hotter?

A: Zac Efron

B: Taylor Lautner

C: Adam Lambert

Scream & Loose Their Patience!

The title is from an Owl City song. Can you guess which one?? Anyways... I took my SAT's this morning. It was freezing and I had to wake up super early because it started at 7:45am but shit happens and you move on lol About half way threw the test are started to get tired and my brain was hurting. I still did pretty well. I got threw 95% of the questions. The other 5% where math ones that I didn't have time for or just wasn't completely sure of the answer to I left it blank (they dont count the ones you dont do in the math portion!)

So I got home at around 1:15pm. I tried to take a nap but I couldnt so I went and worked on my screenplay. It was mostly finished. I just needed to work on the formating. I did that for a hour or so and finished what I call the "final rough draft" haha I have until friday to get a final draft. Im holding auditions at my house for the parts! I have around 30 people coming and I also am asking the theater teacher to announce it to her classes so that I will have a nice amount of people coming. Im very very very excited =p I really hope I win the competition and if I dont then oh well! It is still an experience I had that most people didnt.

My little brother is having this sleepover for his birthday. It was the 27th of last month but everyone was out of town so he pushed it back to today. He was like 7 12 year old boys in our house right now screaming and yelling. One of them is really cool. The others I wouldnt mind drugging for the night... Not that I would do that. I'm not like that! I SWEAR! lol =p

So yah! Thats about it. My saturday is pretty boring this week. OH WAIT! I forgot:

So my good friend, Liz, is now dating a gay guy. Well, he says he is straight but HE IS TOTALLY GAY! She dated him 2 years ago and now they are reconnecting because she just got out of a relationship with a douche bag. Anyway, he is gayer then me but people still believe him. He has the gay voice, clothes, and all the aphorisms(is that the word? lol)! He is mormon so that explains why he wont come out of the closet. I dont mind that at all. Fine that is your personal choice but dont go around dating girls and pretending you "love" them and then break their heart because they didnt really mean anything to you. Especially Liz! She is the most adorable perfect girl. She is a 9.9 in my book(I dont have 10's)!! So why do you need to hijack her feelings when in reality they do not mean a thing to you??

Thats just my view on it... Tomorrow is Survey Sunday!! =p Who is excited? I AM! haha see you all tomorrow! I will post it around 1pm so you can all vote on it until monday night! SO CHECK BACK!

SAT's Tomorrow! AGH!!

Yup, I have my SAT's tomorrow morning. Which probably means I should be asleep but you know me! I never do what I should be doing haha. I got everything prepared. I'm more nervous about the test then I am about actually taking it. I'm afraid my calculator will die or my pencils will all brake or I will have brought the wrong admissions ticket. Something stupid like that! So yah... Im just ready to get it over with.

Well, today I had people read the first version of my screenplay. I got some great reactions. It was a really really rough draft. The formating was horribly wrong and I had a bunch of spelling mistakes that where just because I wrote of it in the middle of the night. The good part is that I got someone to go threw and edit it. So I fixed all the stupid errors I made and now I just need to finish the formating. I did most of it. It took a couple hours. I guess I'm just a perfectionist when I want to be lol.

Also, I was looking at my Friends & More section and its pretty sad! So im going to start to email people and trade links! Also if you want to trade links with me I would LOVE that!! Just send me an e-mail at: sinceyoufoundout@gmail.com (p.s you can email me if you want to talk as well!)

So thats it for today. I had a lot of things to write about but they seemed pretty boring so i left them out. Im going to go get some rest and I'll talk to you all tomorrow! =p BYE!!!!!

P.S. Im going to respond to every comment from now on! So if you want you should subscribe to the comments when you post one or check back in 24hrs so you can read my reply's! =p

Photography & Friends!

That was what my day was filled with! I decided to take my wonderful camera outside right when the sun just starts to go down. To get that glow effect. I was a little late but the pictures turned out wonderful. Then I headed to the school for the show to take some "action" shots. Those turned out outstanding! I then proceeded to come home are tweek the rough draft of my screen play! Tomorrow im showing it to a few people, like my english teacher, for some advice! Im very excited to hear the feedback!

Evan though my one act didn't go tonight (there are 6 one acts that alternate between yesterday and today. mine went yesterday) it was still a great show! We are going out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate!

Im so tired and its sooo late. No matter how busy my day is I try to post daily so even if that means posting at 11:35pm thats what im going to do! lol Sunday Survey is now official! The first Sunday Survey will be this sunday so check back and make sure to vote!!! =p Well im going to bed now. I am super tired and had a very long day and another one ahead of me. Tomorrow we preform the one acts during school to the english classes. =p I get to miss 3rd, 4th, and 5th period so its going to be a easy day. =p Good night guys (or good morning depending when your reading this lol)

YAY! Had a good day! =p

To the survey: definitely A! B is hot but not as hot as A and Im glad that people didnt pick B because he was basically naked. =p

So my day was awesome! I got to sleep in and skipped more then half my classes. Then went to school for the last two. One of which is an elective class and is a total joke. Then I went home and played with my new camera! OH YAH! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU GUYS!! I got my camera! My mom surprised me with it. It is a Canon EOS 7d and it is a beauty! =p Anyway, I got some really great shots and then at 5 headed to school to get ready for the show. I got my makeup done and everything! This was my first time acting. I am usually on the technical end of theater. I 99.999% of the time am running the sound. So this was a unique experience for me. It was fun and I had a blast!!

P.s. Did you guys like the survey?? Should I do more of them??? Im thinking about doing a survey every sunday! We could call it "Survey Sunday!" haha.

I finished the rough draft of the screenplay that I am producing and directing. I am holding open auditions next week on friday. We are going to start filming that sunday. It's going to be great! Im really excited to start the directing process. =p

Well im going to bed. Im feeling better. I still have that last bit of sickness you have right before you get healthy. I am really excited for the holidays!! =p

I'm Still Alive!

This is the longest I haven't blogged! I feel so bad about it!! I am sick and I need to get my rest because the play is tomorrow. So quick post to remind you that im alive!

I will post a full blog soon! To make up for it lets do a survey! Which is hotter? A or B? I'll tell you my choice tomorrow

GUY A:

GUY B:

My Coming Out.

I have been "out" of the closet for a while now. What really is "coming out"? Is it when you accept being gay? Is it when you answer yes to the question "are you gay?" Is it when you start telling only certain people that you trust or is it when you tell you parents?

I am 17. I am a senior in high school. I started hinting I was gay my freshman year. I never really told anyone. I think someone asked if I was gay and I said yes but that was only because they were gay and I would never see them again after that day. Sophomore year I started making new best friends. When I did I wanted to start off right. So this time I started telling one or two people. By the end of that year I had told around 7 or 8 people. All of them were girls. Little did I know that one of them decided she was going to tell the whole world.

Hannah. That was her name. That piece of shit, backstabbing, whore. She told so many people, that it came back to me. I started getting asked questions. "Are you gay?" "Why do you like?" stupid insults were common also. I had to lie. I hated it! I had no idea she told anyone. I thought that I was just obvious, which, I wasn't! Its now Junior year. I found out something that that would change how I look at people forever. I can't even remember how I found out but I did. Someone had been telling people I was gay. I think an anonymous message told me not to trust everyone but what does that matter now? Anyways I started to freak out. I could have been anyone. All of the 8 best friends I had told could have gone and said something. So I did what I had to do. I texted one of my guy friends, I think it went something like this:

ME: "Jake (different jake not the one I liked), who told you. I need to know. Someone I thought I could trust is going behind my back and I have no idea who it is and I am freaking out!"

Jake: "Who told me what?"

ME: "That I am gay! Who told you??"

Jake: "Oh, well Hannah told me and then I asked Giovanna if she knew and she said yes only after I pressured her and told her I already knew. Listen man, I have known since Sophomore year and I'm cool with it. It doesnt change anything."

(Side note: Jake was really homophobic at this time. He was always making gay jokes and was a total tool. He had a huge ego and I was not the best of friends with him. So when he said it didnt change anything it was a big deal!)

So it was Hannah. Hannah was one of the first people I had told. The one I was the closest with. The one I hung out with EVERY DAY after school for hours. The one I trusted with every secret I had ever had. Then it started to make sense. It was like a puzzle. All the little things she had done. All the stupid fights we got into. She was a huge fake bitch. Slowly but shurly I found out that she told everyone. One after another said: "Hannah told me."

Till this day, sober, drunk, or high she wont tell me the truth. She denies it and denies it. I didnt speak to her for the longest time. Then I just forgot about it. I never forgave her. She took a role she shouldn't have. It wasnt a little secret. It was who I was. It was ME. She sold ME out. I'm sure you understand it. I would forgiver her if she would have had the balls to admit what she did.

It is now the middle of Junior year. Deonna. She was jewish, like me. She was gay, like me. She smoked weed, like me. She got drunk, like me. She was my best friend for the rest of the year. She got me. We could talk and she would understand. This is how we meet: "Hey, are you really gay?" and for the first time ever I had answered that question truthfully "yes." She then says "oh. ok cool" got her back and left. All my friends were in shock. Did he really just say that? I had never officially said "I'm gay!" Sure a friends knew and friends of friends but I wasnt out.

I still didnt tell my parents. Everyone but my family knew. Until this year, Senior year, when it was "forced" out of me. This happened after I started blogging so you all know that story.

So I am out. I didnt plan it like some people. I didnt think about it as much of some people. I am gay though, just like some people.

Pictures Are Worth A Thousand Words... Videos Are Worth Millions!

Wow... crazy crazy night. I would tell you all of the stuff that happened but to tell you the truth. It's all kinda fuzzy. The night started with me trying to score the alcohol, which like always, I got. We then headed to my friends house and well... got fucked up. It was just 7 of us. We decided to keep it a small because last time we told 20 people and like 100 showed up. So yah, thats about it. I drank way to much and well you know how that ends: "I will never drink again!" yah... ok. I ended up staying the night there and then we all woke up and went to BK and ate. I do not know how the hell my stomach let me do that but hey, thanks stomach!

Then I went home and passed out, well not like last night, I fell asleep. I woke up and watched a movie. It was really cute. It was called "The Other End Of The Line" It was with the really hot guy from John Tucker Must Die. Oh and he was also the one that was hooking up with Eva Longoria on desperate housewives lol

Now I am just sitting at home. I kinda wish it was winter break already. I have another 3 weeks =[ I NEED A VACATION!! haha.

I Missed A Post =[

I started writing it and then never finished. So never mind lol

I want to say happy thanksgiving to all my american blog readers! Did you guys eat turkey??? If you dont celebrate thanksgiving how was your wend? haha

We had this HUGE dinner at our house. A bunch of family and friends came over and we had a blast. Super fun. Plus I meet up with this girl that I have known for a while but we were not that close. She is in college and in a sorority. Well we got to talking and she does: "there are tons of hot guys in 'INSERT FRAT HERE'" OMG! I was like what?!?! So she was like "yup! like your kind haha." then she said that the frat house is throwing her a birthday party next week (her b-day was today) and that she is going to invite me. Im super excited!!! haha. This day has just been awesome. =p

Tomorrow im going to a party so I'll hopefully post before I go. P.s. do you like the pictures in the post? I thought it would be a nice touch! haha

i just realized (by reading other blogs lol) that i never told you guys my coming out story! well check back tomorrow!

Monday's Are The Worst!

Yup... You are lazy and tired and you dont feel like doing anything productive. Today is exactly that. I am super lazy. I dont feel like doing any of the tons of homework I have to due. Teachers go crazy every time there is a holiday coming up because it gives them time to grade things. Why can't they just be nice and forget about assignments and just grade them during the school week??

Anyways, I didnt really do much today. After school our rehearsal was canceled so I just hung out and watched the over rehearsal's. They were really cute and fun. Then I went to albertsons, the grocery store, with my friend and we got canned food for the homeless and drinks. Which my friend proceeded to spill IN MY CAR! I didnt get that mad because I need to get a car wash anyway so its just gives me another reason. Then I went to drop her off at the bus stop.

I have all these amazing video ideas running threw my head and I wanted to go buy accessories on black friday but im waiting on the guy to send me the info so i can start working on the site so I can get paid. So its not looking good for me. Plus I still need to finish this other site to get enough money to actually buy my camera. So it's going to be a while till I start any filming. Oh yah! I forgot to tell you guys!! I'm writing a screenplay that I will produce and direct! I'm super excited. I have the story line in my head and im writing it now. I'll give you guys updates as I go.

Funny joke of the day?? My friends were all talking about how boys are assholes and their bad boyfriends. One goes "boys suck!" so i go: "not enough of them do..." haha get it??? its a gay joke and it made them laugh! So yah... thats about it. Going to go get started on that hw. =[

Friday Night...

Fuck is it me or do your friends just piss you off at times? All my friends are like at 99.9% stress level and they really need to find a better way to let it out cause im not going to sit threw it. Fuck.

I decided that this weekend is a me weekend. Im going to call my salon and get a facial. I really doubt that my person will have a spot for me but if she does it will be a gift from god... My cell phone is turned off and I will not twitter, facebook, or myspace at all. Dont worry guys, I'm still coming on here to blog! I would die without you guys ;) haha I really love reading your guy's comments!! They make my day! Plus... you all are fucking amazing!! Sorry. My language is a little out of hand today...

I ran into my old friend today. She is also one of my old dealers... Now isnt that just ironic isnt it? One day im like "i want so smoke so bad!" then next day BOOM(!) The supplier is there. Dont worry I didnt make a stupid mistake. Still sober! She invited me over to her new apartment. Which is kinda scary because if I end out hanging out with her I will most likely end up smoking. Just because im wanting it so bad. So im going to stay away from that for now...

New Moon??? Really?? Am I the only one that doesnt give 2 shits about new moon? All, well most, of my friends are like "NEW MOON! OMG!" Fuck... I dont give a crap.

Last but not least: This guy was totally checking me out! Haha Not that guys havent checked me out before. Its just that this kid was "straight" but was being totally obvious about it. Plus it was at school and there are not that many gay guys at my school so when you spot one its like finding a four leaf clover, you get excited lol. He was ok looking. Not ugly but he reminded me of one of my old best friends and that was a HUGE turnoff. So I didnt make a move on him. NEXT lol.

Vacations Much?!? (just a big rant)

Let me tell you about my daily routine. I wake up at around 7am and take i brush my teeth, shower, get dressed and all that fun stuff. The I go to school. My first class of the day starts at 7:56am. School goes by and ends at 1:16pm. Then I have rehearsal until 3:30-4ish. So I get home and pass out. I just fall asleep for a good couple hours. Just because my body cant handle it. I wake up and get onto blogger and read and post blogs. Then I go and do homework.

That is how my days have been for the past couple weeks and its driving me insane. I feel like im 80 years old and life is just boring and dull. Im over it. I need something new. Weed is what kept me busy. It was a thrill. Finding and saving money. Calling up a few people and see if they are on deck. Planning a place and then buying it. Finding a place to smoke it. Hiding and getting blazed as fuck. Coming home and eating all of the left over dinner while watching tv, talking on the phone, and doing homework. That is what kept me entertained last year. Its how I got threw it. With all the stress that im going threw my mind is playing tricks on me. It wants what it cant have.

I needed to get that out. It was stuck in my head and if I didnt tell anyone I would go crazy. Now please comment and tell me: "you dont need to! stay clean! Be a good kid!" I wont be smoking weed. Im not going to fuck this up as well. It's been a little more then 6 months now. I just need a vacation I guess. Fuck. Im exhausted.

Sorry. This day has just had this whole negative vibe that I cant beat. My friends are starting to notice that something isnt ok. Which sucks because I dont want to talk about all of this mom coming out BS. One of my good friends siad I was being mean lately and I felt really bad because I didnt mean to be. I have just been going threw some shit... Yah you know what I'm talking about.

Im going to go do homework now. Fun...

Q&A & New Friends!!

Well I added a few people to the Friends & More list but I thought these two guys deserved a shout out. Both of them are pretty new at this blog thing and they deserve a page view of two lol

First is Tony: he is 15 and gay but not out. He is a cool kid so go check out his blog.http://theydontknow-tp.blogspot.com/

Second is Mikey: he is 17 (like me!) except he is a jock (not like me!) and is not out either. He just started blogging a couple days ago so make him feel welcome!http://hockeykidmn.blogspot.com/

Well i got some random questions for the Q&A and I also got someone send me like 25 of them. So I'm going to answer a bunch and I'm also going to add a few from this survey I found threw myspace. Here we go:

Today, did you see "that" someone that makes you smile instantly?
That person... doesnt exist.

Has someone ever told you they will love you forever?
my mom lol but yah. a girl. she didnt know i was gay. I wouldnt date here and she said she would love me forever... psycho right?

Do you brush your hair everyday?
yup. right after I get out of the shower and I dry my hair.

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them, you say?
Sorry hun... it was just a physical thing.

What are your plans for your next birthday?
Party. As. Hard. As. I. Can. =p

Does anyone disgust you?
Yah. Homophobic assholes.

Do you say sorry first?
umm... depends on what. mostly not.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
Yah... cunt outed me. were not best friends no more...

Has anyone made you feel like crap lately for something they did?
nope.

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
Yah sure. Im ok.

When was the last time you took a nap?
Yesterday. A very good one. lol

Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips?
No... again. It was just a physical, drunk, thing.

What are you excited for?
18th, getting my camera, winter break, and graduating.

Do you have any drugs in your room?
Nope. I'm clean =p

Do you remember the first time you kissed, the last person you kissed?
it was a one time thing. yah i remember it but barley. can we not get into this?? you making me hate myself haha. (just kidding about the hate thing)

Do you think about anyone before you go to bed?
Umm... I think about who that somebody might be.

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
a couple hours ago.

Do you like road trips?
Love them. =p Not with family though.

How many people do you trust 100 percent?
Sadly none. After the outing and a few other things that happened. I cant handle trust anymore.

Why did you last cry?
Mother... you read the blog post. (if not read my blog haha!!)

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?
Umm... waist is such a bad word.

Are you anything like your siblings?
Nope. Im gay. haha

What did you last drink?
diet coke. im addicted to it! (see we are learning things about each other haha)

How many windows are in your room?
One big one. =p

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/​​​​​boyfriend?​​​​​
Nope. One day I will =p He will be perfect and my life partner!

Do you lick your lips?
Sure but chap stick is always my first option lol

Do you like/love anyone?
I love my best friends lol

How much money have you spent today?
None!! =p

Did you date someone who treated you badly?
Well. No. I dated a girl once. So I treated her badly haha.

If your girlfriend/ boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do?
Well... I would be like "I HAD A BOYFRIEND?!?!"

If your best friend needed somewhere to stay could they live with you?
DUH!

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
friends i guess lol

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?
yah. haha

What do you usually wear in bed?

Well mostly basketball shorts and a white T

What do you usually wear to school?

Mostly stuff from H&M. Jeans lol

What is your natural hair color?

Black and its still my hair color!

What is your natural eye colour?

Brown :/ its boring!

Fave tv show?

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!!

Least fave band?

Jonas Brothers! agh!

Fave three music artists?

Nevershoutnever, Owl City, All Time Low

Fave three book authors?

Mitch Album, Chelsea Handler, dont have a 3rd lol

If you could swallow a pill and turn into some other (living) human being, who would it be and why?

Zac Efron!! OMG ARE YOU KIDDING! Other then being able to be the hottest man on earth but I would be able to be rich and famous... not that it matters or anything. lol

Describe your ideal boyfriend/husband? (BE REALISTIC!)

Realistic?? Well... Cute, funny, and someone that cares for me the same way i would care for them. =p


Well I hope you enjoyed that lol If not I'll make up for it tomorrow!! love you all!!

I Was Going To Do That Q&A Today But...

I decided to wait till tomorrow for that...

So I was searching and reading a bunch of blogs yesterday and I came accros one that has stories on it about gay teens. I totally forgot to follow it and I don't remember the link or i would post it. Anyways, I was reading one of them and it made me sad. Not like I want to cry because someone died sad. The story was about a 14 (maybe 15?) year old boy and how his best friend tells him that he is gay and in love with him. The kid is like "i'm straight" and then the kid was like "we cant be friends anymore because spending time with you is to hard because i love you" and then the kid like realizes he is gay and they live happily ever after. Well until chapter 2 which i haven't read lol

Now I know my life isn't a book or anything but still. It made me want to feel that love that they had. The feeling I didn't get to have. So yah obviously thats what got me sad. I know, I know! "Lots of people dont have relationships at my age!" Well I still want one... Is it that bad that I want one? I see a bunch of these gay kids happy in relationships and I cant find a normal guy.

I was looking up a few gay groups here where I live and I couldnt find any. The closest thing was a equality group but I already went to their meeting once and they are all a bunch of older people. None of them are my age :/ Also there are 4 gay clubs here. I'm sure you all have heard of them Krave being the "nicest" most "selective" of the 4. Oh yah... I have to be 21 to get in. So there goes that. I want to move to san fran where there are a bunch of gay people that I can meet but I dont see that happening in the near future...

So yes. This is my petty post on november lol I deserve at least one after all this shit that I have been going threw. So spare me this one please!!

It Doesn't Feel Like A Sunday... But It Is =[

My mom has been pretty cool. She only did one little thing that pissed me off and considering we spent the entire day together that is a miracle. My mom, brother, and me all went shopping. Except it was shopping for my little brother (who is a pain in the ass!). So the whole time we went from store to store and spent like 4 hours and he didnt find anything he liked. All he ended up getting was shoes (which where the 6th one's he tried on) and a pair of jeans. My mom is like bi-polar. One min she is nice to me and the next she is evil! I dont even know anymore. For know she is nice but we will see how long that lasts.

Last night a bunch of friends came over and we just sat in the garage, smoked hookah, and chilled. It was fun but I started to realize that this whole mother coming out thing is effecting my social life. Like I'm always in a bad mood and my argument is always: "you just dont understand." This whole month has just been real tough on me. =[

I will do that Q&A post soon. I just have been busy if you haven't noticed lol

My Mom Had "The Talk" With Me... & I'm Not Talking About The Sex One!

Yup. I pushed her to the limit. Until it hurt her so bad I realized what I was doing. Let me start from the beginning:

I came home friday night after hanging out with friends. My mom started yelling at me saying I sent her a rude text message. Which I might have done but it was meant as a joke. Anyway she said that our relationship isn't going to be fixed if I wont let it be. So I, stupidly, told her I didn't want one. That was the old me, the one that needed to push her away before she pushed me away. I felt really bad so I went to talk to her but instead bumped into my dad. My dad that told me that I need to respect the family and a bunch of stuff that just got me mad. So I explained to him how I felt which was "wrong" & "not the same" oh yeah and "didn't matter." He pushed me. He pushed me so far that I when he asked me: "do you even know what a father is?" I said something I didn't mean just so he would shut up already. I said: "no. i never had one." I have yet to apologize. I'm to scared to confront him but I will.

Anyway. After that little incident I went upstairs feeling like more of a douchebag so I went to talk to my mom. I explained to her that I didn't mean what I said and why I said it. I told her that I was pushing her away because I didn't want it to hurt when she pushed me away because I'm gay. Yes... I said it. I told her I was gay. Her response deserves a new paragraph.

"I will always love you. We don't have to agree or understand but we will always love you" Oh wait, it gets better. She goes on to tell me how I'm going to have a hard life. Starts pulling all these "facts" out of her ass about what I can and can't do. Tells me I need to be careful of AIDS now. That NOW (emphasis on now) everything is going to change. I stopped her and explained to her that I am the same way I was a week ago. I was always this way and nothing changed. Its not NOW, its always been this way. I told her I didn't choose it and that I didn't want to be this. So she asked how I knew and even though I tried to explain as hard as I can she just seemed disgusted. So she went on to tell me that I need to hide it because of people finding out. So I told her that everyone already does. That even my cousins know. She was worried that my aunt knew and I told her she didn't and that even if she did I wouldn't care what she thought. So she asked me how I wouldn't care. I told her I don't care what people thing and that I know I will one day run into people that will hate me because I'm gay and that I'm not going to let that scare me into hiding who I really am. So she went on to tell me that I can't tell my brother because he is "in that stage where he is confused" and she didn't want to put anything in his head. So I told her that i not gay for any reason. No one made me gay. Nothing made me gay. I was just gay. Then my brother came in the room and sat down and that's where she got up and left.

She told me she doesn't understand "it." She doesn't agree with "it." What she doesn't understand is that I'm "it." She told me I should go to talk to someone. About anything. She said she is going to also. I know I just need to give her time to understand but I just wish she didnt need time. I wish she was like my friends parents which where like "oh ok, can you pass the salt?"

This month has sucked so far...

Life & Secrets...

Yup. I know a few. Lets start with life though haha. My math test got moved to tomorrow. So did my science test but I dont care about that class because I dont need to it graduate or at all... I just needed to fill that period up and thought it was a fun class but it wasnt. So next semester (2 months or so) im dropping it. Yay for sleeping in an extra hour.

I went to best buy to check out the gift I want to buy myself. Its the Canon EOS 7d. Its a beauty!! Omg how good if felt in my hand. It's going to take me forever to learn how to use it like the pro's but first things first... coming up with the money. I wish there was a fast easy way to make some money. Ok I'm back to reality. lol

Now to the secrets! So I know this kid that is "bi" but he is just gay and scared to come out. Anyway, I knew since the min I meet him. You see he is my best freinds little brother. He is 15 turning 16 soon. I meet him a party my friend was having like a year ago and we were drinking and then I basically called him out as being gay. Now I know what you are thinking "john how could you?!?!?" he was making out with my best friend who was 17, a women, and drunk off her ass at the time and he was 14. I am also going to blame it on the alcohol that I had in my system. Anyways... he denied it and all but I always knew.

So my best friend, his sister, told me like a month ago that he kind of came out to his family. Which is expected because they have the coolest parent. They are so excepting of the gay thing. After all his sister is a lesbian and now they have a gay son so for them to not care at all is HUGE. Anyways, the point is that I'm basically the only other person that knows thats not family and now people are starting to ask questions. He is the PERFECT gay guy. My type of perfect that is. Not noticeable unless you really look. Doesnt dress like a women but has a good sense of style. Not "out there" gay but just enough. Does that make sense?? So today he said something and it sounded sooo gay. He had the gay tone and I had never heard it from him before. So my friend goes: "is he gay?" and I had to cover so I just said I dont know and turned around.

I would never out the kid. Every. My ex-best friend did that to me and I could never forgive her for it so i know the feeling. I just felt bad for the kid because he is going to have to deal with all of this know at SUCH a young age. He is only 15. I guess I came out when I was 15 also but it wasnt on such a big scale like telling my parents and stuff.

Thanks A Tone =p

To all of these soldiers!! I really appreciate how brave you all are! Thank yu for going out and risking your lives for this amazing country we live in. Thank you for protecting us all. It's because of you we can feel safe and secure and that means the world(no pun intended) to me!!

Well... last night I went to the All Time Low concert. It was so much fun!! I had a blast. =p It was also my friends birthday, she turned 18. We went out for dinner afterwards and got burgers at this place that is AMAZING!

I finally found the camera I want to get. It's the Canon 7d! OMG is it gorges. It has all the bells and whistles I could ever want. I would go into detail's but it would most likely bore you to death lol The only problem is that it's expensive... VERY EXPENSIVE!! How expensive? It cost $1700 and I currently have $12 in my camera budget lol. I have a few job's lined up so ill be able to get in in 2-3 months. Maybe even next month if I get lucky =p (I do graphic and web design on the side)

My mom and I are on ok terms. It all blew over. I'm still getting used to the whole thing. Like I said... I stopped loving her so it's going to be hard to just jump right back in there and pretend like nothing ever happened.

Cute boy wise?? Well there is one but he is way to young and still "not sure" and is also my best friend's little brother (he is 15 turning 16 soon). It's a long and complicated story that I will write about tomorrow. =p I do have school tomorrow so I need to go to bed. I have a math test tomorrow that could either drop me to a B or bump me up to a safer A. I have like a 90% lol

Quick Post! About To Go Out!!

I'm over Jake guys. I have BEEN over him for a week or so. He is NOT worth my time or energy. He is, after all, just a guy. Now I have a lot to tell you guys but not enough time. You see tomorrow is a national holiday and the school have us the day off so that I can go party... i mean celebrate it tonight as hard as I possibly can. I would tell you where im going but ill tell you tomorrow. Just being safe here... sry.

Some bitch key'd my car. I have a feeling I know who it is but if it is that person I still dont know who it is because they where anonymous. This person was harassing me last night on the "honesty box" so I have no idea who they are. It was fine and all until this morning I woke up and my car was keyed (aka taking a key and scratching my car!!). This person has NO life and HAS to take it out on me?? Why??

As for the dating thing, thank you. I never thought of it like that. Yes there are a lot of cute gay couples but there are MANY more gay guys that dont date. I just happen to be one of them.

Well I have to go now. I love you all =p Look for that Q&A Post soon!! Keep asking questions if you havent already!!

I Don't Know... (post about the whole mother issue aka my coming out)

You sit there and you plan. You think about every way and every conversation. Just when you think you have thought of every way your parents would react to the sentence "im gay" this happens:

They sit there and tell you they still love you and always will. They say that they were wrong for hurting you and they apologize. They tell you they want to be your mother. They are in tears asking for forgiveness and all of a sudden you realize:

Your not happy. This is what you always wanted to hear. This is the perfect situation. It's just like one of the conversations you thought about. Yet, your not happy. So your thinking and thinking and still nothing. Why am I not happy. Then you go to say something:

YOU: "I dont know"

MOTHER: "what dont you know"

YOU: "i just... dont know"

...

YOU: "I dont know what to say."

She leaves the room and your dad, which has been in the room most of the time, hugs you and tell you that you are the most important thing ever. He is tearing up now and you have never seen him cry other then when his dad, your grandpa, died. Then you realized why you werent happy.

Right before all this happened you realize how much you really liked Jake (yah... remember him?). You realize this because he changed his status on facebook to: "in a relationship". Your not in that relationship. He just played you. So how much did you like Jake? Not much. It just made you feel like a fool. Why try is what is going threw your head. "It's not fair. Why can't I be happy for once?? Why is it that I'm the gay guy thats never been on a real date. Why?? Im not ugly and im a nice person. So why??"

At this moment your mom still hasnt come to talk to you. You want to just run back into the closet. Forget about all the things I have said and all the people that know. Just run back and pretend to be straight. It was just to late. That closet is already gone. They tore it down.

You go to blogger and right when you logged into the account you are hiding from everyone you know your mom walks in. She is ready for you to tell her. You already let her go.

Q&A POST Part 1: Ask Questions!!

alright here is how im going to do this. I realize that a lot of the people that follow the blog dont like to leave comments for whatever reason they have. So i thought the best way to get questions was threw google docs!

At the end of this post there will be a link. The page will open and it will have a question box where you can leave any question you want. You can not tell me your name and it's anonymous or you can add "by, NUMEHERE" =p See how that works?? If you want to just leave a comment on the post with a question that's fine also!

So what type of questions can you ask? Any really. If its something I think is to personal the worst thing is I wont answer it. So shoot! I'll tell you know, I wont answer questions asking me where i live, what high school i go to, what my real name is, and stuff like that.

SO ASK AWAY: http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dFhwUFI0YngtcU1iRmxHWFphN0lrNGc6MA

Update On Life...

Sorry if I haven't been getting back to your e-mail's. I just went threw all of them and replied!! I have to much work to do and I put it all off for today.

I forgot to write about this yesterday because of all the drama or whatever but I went to volunteer at the art festival. I had to work the kids art's and craft's booth and it was a pain. Some kid's are such brat's. It was for a good cause so that's all good. =p Plus there was a really cute guy that was working at one of the table's but it wasnt mine so we didnt get to talk.

So i woke up and went downstairs today and saw my mother. She didn't say a word to me. So I went and talked to my dad. It was just weird.

I've been reading all of your comments and its getting me threw the day so thank you!! I really really appreciate it.

I'm thinking of doing a Q&A post. So if I do would you guy's ask me like a million question's because I'm afraid only like 2 people would ask question's and it would end up as a failed attempt.

This Is It.

I need to talk. So thanks for listening.

My mom blew up today. She couldn't take it. She started the conversation (more yelling then conversation) about my grade's and school and how I "ruined my life" or something like that.

What you need to know is that I have, for year's now, been building up this wall. Not on purpose but mentally have been butting up a barrier for my emotions. So when my mom hurt's of cries or anything it doesnt effect me. I realized that the reason I have been doing this was because, one day, my mom would stop loving me. One day she would find out I'm gay and would abandon me. So I had to stop loving her first so it wouldn't hurt me as much when she stopped loving me.

So I didnt take anything to heart. Yah sure I yelled a little here and there but mostly I was calm and collected and presented a punch where it needed to be. So then she blew up. She started saying "why can't I have a normal son" and "you waisted your life" stuff like that. She was crying and all. Then she said it: "One day you will know how it feel's. I will not love you anymore and not talk to you anymore and you will feel alone" Something like that. So I said "you already did that." So my mom goes: "I swear this is the last time im talking to you" then she leaves. She went upstairs for a bit then she left the house.

So this is the day. The day that my mom officially does not love me. How do I feel? I dont know. I'm not mad or sad and I'm not crying.

That's how built my wall is. My mom can tell me she doesnt love me and I dont even cry. I don't show any emotion at all. None.

The Day's Are Going By... Almost Friday!

Well you guy's asked so I'll let you know: The talent was singing a duet with my cousin. She played the guitar also. It was a really cute love song she had written. Which is kinda why I didn't want my parents there... Kinda awkward singing a love song when your parents just realized that you would be singing that to a guy. Still haven't talked to them...

I had rehearsal's today for the one act's (well I have them everyday). Remember this is my first time actually acting as I am usually the sound tech (remember that competition I won?? Yup it was the audio one at SUU's Tech Olympics. I didn't want to say it at the time because you would all know where I was and that's kinda scary lol). So yah it was really fun. The cast isn't to big and we all work together really well. It's a very funny show! I play an old grandpa that is very witty and lovable. Fun stuff!!

Tomorrow is the day I go see Jake... I'm not that excited to go over there. We are going to watch him in his play. He's a fairy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's funny cause he is gay and he is playing a fairy! Also, this just popped in my head, I'm SO sick of the ford faggot. It's such a degrading word. Especially when it's meant to hurt someone. People in my school use it all the time.

So I was writing a note to my friend yesterday and the teacher was being kinda sexist so my friend called him a douche bag. Then I wrote back that the class is a bunch of immature idiots. Well my brilliant friend forgot it on her desk in that same class. So my teacher found it and made this huge scene about it in front of the whole class. He didn't say who wrote it so no one knows it was us. The teacher says he recognizes his handwriting but idk...

You Guy's Are Amazing!! (I PLACED IN THE TALENT SHOW!)

You guy's really did help me a lot with the advice and the caring comments. I just dont want to loose it. I dont want to break down and cry. So, for now, I'm going to keep it inside. I will have that conversation with her. Then, if it ends up the way I'm expecting, I'll let myself brake down.

You see I'm a REALLY smart kid. I have prepared myself mentally for all of this. I made sure to be 10 steps ahead of her. So when that conversation went down and I realized that my mom would never be able to look at me the same way, I didn't flip. I was mad, sad, shocked, pissed, and hurt but I didn't flip shit. I made sure that if one day she would stop loving me, it wouldn't hurt as much as it should. So it didn't.

On a brighter note... I got 3rd place in the talent show! My parent's weren't there but I dont really care. I didn't want then there anyway. I'm not as excited as I should be. I'm not excited because I can't be. No one in the right state of mind can be happy right now if they are going threw what I am. I played it off at school though. There was only one time when someone asked if something was wrong. Only one of my friends knows what happened and that's cause she is a lesbian and gets it.

So that's about it. I'm staying as strong as I can be. I will have that conversation with my mom soon. Probably tomorrow night. I'll let you know what happens. Good night guys...

Well Your Warning Was Heard...

I had the worst day of my life today. I've kept it together so far so lets see how I do talking about it...

My mom finally realized that I cant get into the college she wants me to (i need like a 3.2 and a 1800 on the SAT and i have a 2.7 and haven't taken the SAT yet). I guess me telling her it wasn't enough so she HAD to set up an appointment with my counselor and then it finally hit her. That isnt the bad part. I already had that realization before about a month ago (i think i posted a blog about that). So she broke down. That's enough to deal with right? Wrong.

I had rehearsal today and I wasn't very focused because the meeting was literally 10 min before. So we finished early and I had about 15 to go eat at home before my haircut. So I go home and get the silent treatment from my mother. Ok, fine I get it. Then I grab my key's and head out and then this happens:

Mother: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "yah..."

(not in a very loving or caring tone)

Mother: "Are you Gay?"

Me: "would it change anything?"

Mother: "I aksed a question, I deserve to know"

Me: "Yah so did I, would it change anything?"

Mother: " like what?"

Me: "anything..."

Mother: long pause... "I dont know"

Me: "i dont know either then."

(turn around and head out again. I get to the door and...)

Mother: "oh it doesnt work that way"

Me: "what does it matter to you??"

Mother: "It will make it easier to make my decision."

Me: "What decision?"

Mother: mocking me "i already know but it doesn't matter right?"

On the internet it doesnt sound bad but I promise you that in her voice I felt it. I saw the face and I heard the meaning behind every word. It was evil. It was out of hate. It was pure vicious. Then I felt it... the feeling that is worse then any other. Worse then physical pain or hate. Abandonment.

So there. It's all there. It's how my mom feel's about me being gay. I'm waiting for the letter telling me what I need to boot camp or something like that. Yes, she would do that.

How's Everyone Been??

So I think i'm going to start being more personal on this blog. Maybe post a few pic's and such! Maybe even video post's?? Would anyone be interested in that?

Well today I went movie hopping with my friends. We went and saw paranormal activity first. HOLY SHIT! That movie was so freaky. I'm not going to talk about it cause then I wont be able to sleep. Then we saw the invention of lying and it totally sucked. Then we saw law abiding citizen and that was really good.

Tomorrow I have school =[ School after a 4 day weekend ALWAYS sucks! Then after school I have talent show rehearsal's and a haircut appointment. So I have a long day!

Popped My Cherry...

NO! NOT LIKE THAT!! I went trick or treating for the first time every haha. It was so much fun. I felt like a little kid again. I dressed up as a hippie. I had this big wig and john lennon glasses. We all went out to my friends neighborhood and somehow we ended up in like a neighborhood 18 min. away but we found or way back and ended up going to their neighbor's house cause they were having a party and we ate there haha. YAY FOR FREE FOOD!

Then we went over to my friends house and we all just hung out. Wow... that sounds so lame. Last year it would have been something like this: "so we went to this party and i had no idea where we were but there was booze so whatever. I had like 10 beer's and then i was throwing up so we left to this other guy's house. I was feeling better but I didnt want to drink anymore so i just smoked weed with some guy in the backyard. He was nice but I dont remember his name or what he looked like. In fact I don't remember there being a guy but there was." haha. That is actually a true story. Kinda blurry on the detail's so I didnt put that many in. I'm a good kid now lol =p

How was your halloween???

I also went shopping yesterday! I got the cutest bag and this amazing coat/jacket. Oh and I got gloves! Fun stuff!!

Still looking for a potential BF. I'll update you as the hunt goes on. =p

Soo...

I'm in one of those lazy mood's again where I dont feel like doing anything... So yah, today was Nevada Day! The only reason that sentence deserves a exclamation point is because we get the day off!!

I'm going to start "looking" for a new potential boyfriend. It's always hard to find gay guys at my age so I know it wont be easy. I'm going to see Jake in a week. I'm not that excited about it but whatever. I'm not going to run up to him and hug him or anything. I'm going to his school to watch a show that he is in. He play's a fairy haha, its funny cause he is gay. Anyway we are going to watch the show not because he is in it but because his school came to see our show so its only polite to go and watch theirs.

Tomorrow is halloween and it's the first year I'm ever going trick or treating. My mom never let me go as a kid. Me and my friends are going and then we are going to do other stuff... I would tell you but I have no idea what yet haha!

So yah. I think im going to call up a friend and go shopping with the $100 I saved up. Maybe get a cate bag or something. We will see... BYE!! =p

Watching TV and Blogging =p

It really is a great combination. Well today I really was in a lazy mood. I didn't really care about much. I realized that im not really in the blogging community. Like im there and I comment and I blog and I check out new blogs every day and I follow them but its not the same. It's my fault and I know if I want to change that then I need to be more involved. I'm just so busy lately. I've been non stop working and running places. I feel like my life consists of just running around and not enough time. So I apologize if you feel like im not your blogging BFF! One day, im hoping sooner then latter, I will have time and will be you blogging BFF =p

So I still have $100 saved up. The one thing you need to know about me is that im HORRIBLE with saving money but im great at spending is asap. I dont know what to do... I need to save it for gas but there is most likely a sale at H&M haha. I'm JK guys im not that irresponsible.

P.s. If you want to exchange links or just talk or whatever e-mail me: sinceyoufoundout@gmail.com

I really am super tired so im going to take a nap!

I'm A Busy Bee! haha

Omg I have been swamped. I am so swamped that I had to cancel a hair cut and facial to sit in the auditions for the talent show. Then I was (was because I called in and told them im to tired) meant to work a band show doing sound.

I got in the talent show =p I think it was cause they knew me and I was a judge. It's ok cause everyone loved the act. So since I was a judge at the talent show I got to see some... special people. I swear some people have guts to go on stage and think they can sing when really they sound like SHIT. Sorry it's true. There were some amazing act's though. There was this amazing couple that did this hip hop dance and they had this story to it all and it was sooo cute!

In case anyone care's I got a C on that other quiz! Which im very happy about because A) I didnt even read the story that the quiz was on and B) my friends that took notes and studied and all got a F lol. So I think i did a good job BS'ing it. haha In government today we had this whole "how a bill passes" thing and it was really cool. Every person came up with a bill and then the teacher picked them "out of a hat" (it was a box lol). Some asshole was like "america shouldn't allow homos'!" WTF! We only had time for 3 bills and all 3 were stupid. Thought in my head: "I cant get married and this is what you consider important?!?" Ex. One of the bills said that people shouldn't need a high school diploma to get a job. So I was like "really?!? You want some drop out to become a rocket scientist?" and she was like "No you see cuz i was gonna go an get me a job at the t-mobile store but then after they hads all the papers and stuffs dun they were like, nah you cant work here cause you aint got no HS diploma!" Me: Thats what matter's to you? You cant just wait 7 more months and get a job at T-Mobile? except I didnt say that part. People are so stupid in my government class. Some kid asked how many words are in a sentence. Some girl was like "So is that 400 ac or 400 dc?" YOU SEE WHAT I DO THREW?? (sarcastic tone) haha

I was going to have a kickback at my house this weekend. A kickback is like a party but with less people and is focused on just having fun with a little bit of alcohol haha ok... maybe a lot of it. See my parents were going to go out of town but my little brother got sick and now they decided they aren't leaving.

Sorry this post is very random and not very organized. I'm exhausted from this week already and its only tuesday! AGH! Math homework and then some SLEEP! Luckily I have a little free time tomorrow cause our meeting for the one act was moved to thursday. That give's me like 4 hours and then I have to go work a show at 5pm!

Well...

Wow... so let me start off this post with a explanation. I guess I took out a bunch of anger on the post. I wasn't that mad. In fact the only reason I blew up on here was because I didnt blow up to anyone else. So yes maybe I sounded like a little selfish brat but that was not how I acted and I am embarrassed that it sounded that way.

About the comments thing... I do read all of your guy's blogs! It's how I end my day before I go to bed. So from now on I promise to leave a comment after I read them!!

Now on with the day... I GOT A LEAD ROLE!!! hell to the yes! I got a lead! THE TECHNICIAN GOT A LEAD haha. I have the funniest lines and im very excited for our first meeting!!

As for the rest of my day? I had a test and 2 quizzes. I got an A on my math one but I dont know about the others. I kind of bs'd the other quiz lol.

Anyway im super tired and have lots of homework to do.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Miss Me??

Sorry, its been a while. I've just been very busy with lots of stuff. So how were my days? Well the shows over and it was good. The cast party sucked and me and a couple friends ended up leaving early. I meet up with some old friends that graduated last year and thats all good and fun! We made plans to hang out and stuff.

I've come to realization that I dont need a boyfriend right now. I'm to busy to care and obviously Jake is too. So fuck him. Im over his ugly ass. Ok... he was soooo not ugly but still. I deserve to bash him for being a douche.

I'm going to try acting. The play's are student directed and only one act so it should just be fun and not overwhelming and crazy. Plus all the directors are my close friends. I'm also trying out with my cousin for the talent show which is cool. We are singing a song she wrote and she is playing guitar. Its a duet. =p So yes... I'll let you guys know how that all goes. Auditions for both are this week, monday and tuesday.

Today my mom was being such a bitch. First she did the whole gay reference thing. Ex. aunt:"what are you doing after high school" me:"im moving to san francisco" mom:"why cause thats where are the homo's are?" AGH!!! I hate when she does that. Remember I never officially came out to my parents but they still know cause once they asked and I was like "i got to go BYE!"

Then I was offered a job, a paying job that could have got me around $500. My mom decided that I didnt have time and then she referred her to someone else to do the same job. I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE AND SHE JUST SPOKE FOR ME LIKE I DIDNT MATTER!!!

agh. fuck this. I'm in a bad mood now. haha I've been listening to janedoe by nevershoutnever all day. its the cutest song ever. you can find it on his myspace page: http://myspace.com/nevershoutnever

I'll talk to you all later! How about some comments to make me feel better?? lol

School, School, Oh Yah & Jake

So remember how I said he was ignoring him. Well yah... he didnt come to the show because his dad flew in and his mom wouldn't let him leave her alone with him because they are divorced. Which I get but that doesnt mean he has a free pass. He still needs to EARN my love lol. He needs to try now which might make him realize im not here to play games...

Saw this really cute boy today. He is to young to be hot and i would NEVER date someone that young but cuteness wise he was a 9.5 (i like never give out 10's lol). My gaydar went off on him and my friend (who is a lesbian) said so too! Haha turns out he is best friends with my friends younger brother and he is "straight" cause he has a thing for some girl. My view: I wouldn't be surprised if the kid and my friends younger brother "experimented" haha.

I'm SOOO tired. This week has been crazy busy. Oh yah i got grounded for this weekend cause i came home an hour late and forgot to call. whatever... shit happens.

Sooo...

Jake didnt show up at our show tonight. He also hasnt texted be since sunday. I'm kinda over it. He really isnt worth it anymore. Unless he is like in the hospital or something im done. I'm not going to try if he doesnt want to try. Don't get me wrong, im not hurt. Upset, yes, but bot hurt. He's just a boy.

He has a small chance to fix all of this. He better do one hell of a job doing it though.

Other then that life is good, well its ok. I told my mom that I want to take a year off and find myself and she basically said no. Then flipped a bitch. I have a couple months to tell her that im going to do what I want and that if she ends up not paying for my education then she can blame herself for me not going to school. I'll get my degree. It does not mean that I HAVE to get it right away.

Well im so tired so im going to head to bed.

Stupid waistless day...

The only good part of today was I got to stay home from school. Other then that I hated it. I didnt really do much today except for sleep and eat so there isn't really much I can write about.

Oh yah... I had rehearsal today and tomorrow is the opening night of the show. My parents wouldn't let me go to the LAST rehearsal because I missed school today. Which was stupid because the show is tomorrow and now i will never get to have a part in a show because I look irresponsible.

I wish I could get the hell out of here sometimes. Just run really far away for a year or two and forget everything. I think im going to take a year off and "find myself" after high school. Maybe move to san francisco and work at a gay club as a bar tender. Something random and fun haha

Stay with me here:

- I graduate and move to san fran.

-Make it about a gay 18 year old living in a gay neighborhood not knowing anyone or anything at all.

-I wouldn't need to be anonymous. So i would post video's and pics and stuff.

-Then put ad's up and make it my source of income.

How cool would that be!?!?! Well i still have 8 months to go and right now its only a dream. but still!! How could would that be!?!?! haha

Sick'ish

I dont know why but all of a sudden today I got like this huge pain in my chest and I felt like throwing up and then I got really sick. So I told my mom to come get me out of school and I went to the doctor. The doctor was a total tool and didnt even listen to me before he was like "just drink lots of fluids." I was so mad. In my head: "Really??!?! I drove all the way over here so you could make sure i didnt have anything serious like swine flu or something cause my chest hurts and you just sit here and ignore what I have to say!!" Anyway... he gave me a pass for today and tomorrow off school but told me to miss 2-3 days. I guess he's just as good at math as he is at being a doctor. douche...

Anyways... Jake texts me like every night and because I want him to chase after me I tend to end the conversations really quickly. Also, he does this thing where if I dont text him back (which i tend to do just cause im busy sometimes) he will text me again and be like "soo what are you up to know mister" or something cute like that. Which makes me feel wanted lol

Last night he texted me and told me the picture i posted on facebook was really cute and i should default it. Which i already had done because he "liked" it (its a feature) on facebook. It was cute lol

***Important***

E-mail change: now its sinceyoufoundout@gmail.com

My Weekend!

It was soooo busy. I had so much to do. As you all know Jake canceled on me friday but that didnt stop me from flirting with him non stop on Saturday at the music festival thing. I only got to spend an hour with him but that hour... was amazing lol I told him that I felt "something" and I asked him if I was the only one and he said no. He then went on to say we live to far away from each other and that he doesnt think its going to work. I told him he was wrong and that he only lives 30 min away and I have a car and that he is friends with a girl that goes to our school so why cant we work out. So he said he will try and I made him promise. I then told him (yes literally told him) that he needs to make up for friday and that he will ask me out on a date and he will pick when the date is cause the last two times I asked him he canceled. He told me I need to wait until after his show is over... which is like november 4th or something.

Oh yah... he is sooo cute!!!! I couldnt stop smiling and I felt like I knew him for years. We have soo much in common its crazy.

As for my friend, we are all good now. We kinda talked it over on myspace and then just let it go. We hung out for a bit at the festival and it was like nothing ever happened. I think that shows how good of friends we really are. How we can put things behind us and move on =p

I have school tomorrow so I need to get some rest. I had a really long weekend. Jake's texting me now so im going to go get ready for bed but I dont know if I'll actually get to sleeping haha

Friday Is Finally Here...

Not that it matters anymore cause I have no date anymore but whatever.

Today I really just had a bad day. Rehearsal ended up with my friend and I getting into this huge confrontation and her running out cussing at me. She was in the wrong though so I'm not as mad about is as she is. High school is filled with stupid drama.

Tomorrow I have rehearsal from 7 in the morning to 12. Yahhh not fun. I got stuck at home tonight doing nothing because all my friends already have plans and its to short notice or whatever. Tomorrow after rehearsal i'm going to this hude music concert/festival thing that jake's also going to. I'm going to tell him that I like him if I get a min to talk to him. If not then I'm going to just tell him over the phone (which would suck and not be romantic at all haha)

Well last year when I went to the festival place was the first time I started smoking weed last year. So It's been a year since I started and I've been sober since May. Which is a longgg time for me haha. I'm happy though so its all good.

Well I'm really really bored so I'm going to find something to do and do it haha
Talk to you all latttterrrrr <33333333